Surface

Weekly Anamnesis #21

I’m a day late on the deadline to this one . . .

I don’t know when I developped the knack for it. I do know that as a child and a tomboy I decided that crying was for wimps and I began to bury emotions beneath the surface. Most of my memories of childhood are happy, rosey golden ones. I know that my childhood wasn’t perfect, but it was far better than most of my friends and I loved my childhood. I burried sad memories with my desire to cry. (I don’t mind the burrying of sad memories, I think it is important to move on, but along with some of those memories I burried the ability to show more emotion than just happiness.) Maybe I had experienced just enough hurt to not want to face it, maybe I was trying to be tough, I’ll never really know. I remember in college wishing that I could “feel ” more and I worked on it some. But it hurt – a lot. So I reburried emotion and continued on my life. But, once you excavate something and try to reburry it, often you don’t do as good as a job. My feelings were a little easier to tap into, a little easier access. I started showing more than one feeling without my even knowing it. (I was the always with a smile on her face girl.)

Paul was the one who taught me how to cry, really cry and to really feel. I remember after my Grammy died and I couldn’t go to her funeral that I was trying to assure him that I was fine, everything was fine. He looked at me odd and knew what my true feelings below the surface were, but I couldn’t cry or show my emotion in front of people, even him, and tears slipped quietly down my face while we were sleeping. He knew.

I have since become a watering pot, or at least I feel like it sometimes, with him. I still work on not burying all my emotions below the surface, but I still have a hard time letting hurt and pain and fear show. Though sometimes, I wish I could have the always happy girl back, but that just doesn’t work in parenthood. heh 🙂

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6 Comments

Filed under Anamnesis, Love and Marriage, Memory, Writing

6 responses to “Surface

  1. I was often teased even by my best friend for being an emotional basketcase. I was called a blubbering fool. I would cry at the drop of a hat. Even now I wear my emotions on my sleeve but I don’t seem to cry quite as often as I used to. There are times when I wish I wasn’t so emotional that I could keep them under the surface and not let them be seen.

    I’m sure writing about this was difficult. Writing about it probably helps to be able to bring your emotions back up to the surface. Theraputic I’ve been told.

  2. Yup ABQ, I almost cried, and then I almost deleted it. heh. 🙂

  3. we really do have a lot of similarities as far as how we “talked to ourselves” as kids.

    there’s a great quote by someone that i don’t even know who they are, but the words are brilliant. and i’m guessing possibly true. i always think of it when i find myself fighting tears. sometimes it helps me to release them. mostly, i just say, “whatever!” heh. but… anyway, i wanted to share it with you.

    “Those who do not know how to weep with their whole heart don’t know how to laugh either.”
    ~ Golda Meir ~

  4. I also burried my emotions… not as a child, but as a teenager… and for very different reasons than you. Mostly, I would have cried constantly if I hadn’t burried them. Hubby learned that if I needed to cry, all he had to do to get me to let go was sing this certain melencholy song… Even today I hate and love that song both because I still get all choked up and cry when I hear it… eventually it all has to be released…

  5. Deb

    You and have a lot in common. LOL.

    I too was a tomboy, and I did, and still do bury my emotions.

  6. FF- I love that quote! thanks for sharing it, I wish I had had that quote going through things with Jacob. There were a number of times when I held back tears because I thought I had to be tough, or people were around (nurses and such) and that was absolute murder. There is no place private to cry in a hospital . . .

    Deb, I think that is why I’ve enjoyed reading your blog lately, reminds me of all the crazy antics we pulled as kids. 🙂 I can really see myself in a lot of what you write and it makes me laug. I still bury a lot of my emotions, but it’s a work in progress. 🙂

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