I attended my little writing group last night and the topic of the evening was Fear. Yup, Fear with a capitol “F”. Fear of writing, fear of spiders, fear of anything. Though of course being a writing class it was mainly focused around the penmenship fear. We have an assignment, and I will do it eventually but in pursuing the assignment, my mind has been consumed with Fear. Not being afraid mind you, thinking about fear. My fears, their fears, just different kinds of fear.
I have come to the realization that the reason why I like to blog so much is that I get to hide behind my computer. I can’t see you, you can’t see me. I don’t have to face you after something I have written is read and watch the shuffle of toes while you try to find a way to tactfully tell me it was terrible and try to hide my dissapointment. Or I don’t have to try to hide my pleasure and surprise if you genuinely love it and think it is the best thing ever since sliced strawberry pie, because I wouldn’t want to seem arrogant or egotistical. My heart still pounds though every time I hit that “publish post” button and I silently curse myself for subjecting my blog friends to further torture, and it pounds when I read the comments, no matter if it is loved or hated. But if I had to be in the same room as you read it or I read it to you my heart would likely beat itself out of my body in a frenzy waiting for the starving wolves to pounce.
Logically I know that you, my friends, and my family are not starving wolves. But convincing my heart of that is an entirely different matter. I still don’t know if I will hit the publish button on this post or not. Because this would be displaying not just to strangers how I quake in the recesses of my mind, but to my acquaintances and friends. I don’t know why it is so hard to showcase one’s fears and imperfections. Maybe it is a fear of falling from grace. Launching one’s self off a pedestal with such fervor it leaves a crator in the floor below. That fear is tangible, real, I can almost taste it. That feeling of one wrong move and the world could crash around me in a pile of rubble up to my ears. I know it(most likely) won’t happen, but the fear (of the possiblilty) is there.
But, nothing is ever learned and accomplished unless you push that button, read that poem, write that book. So, I adopt the quote shared with us last night:
“Feel the fear and do it anyway.” – Susan Jeffers, PhD