I’m Still Here, Just Plugging Along

I’ve noticed lately that time is a strange creature. I really didn’t notice so much of it was racing by as my poor little blog sat neglected. In some ways it feels like the months have stretched on endlessly, and in many other ways it feels like I blinked and somehow managed to get almost half-way through August. Some days feel endless and some weeks I can hardly grasp onto they rush past so fast.

Emotions get strange and jumbled up. Jacob had a cardiology appointment scheduled for the 7th of August. At first I thought I could do it, no problem, be tough. The closer the day got the harder the idea became of being at that hospital on that day. They were really sweet about rescheduling that morning, and I stayed far away from the hospital that day. But, I did visit Lizy.

School is starting soon. A week and a half to go. In someways I’m looking forward to it – being back on a schedule will be nice. In other ways I’m dreading it. It’s been so easy to keep busy this summer – all the kids home, lots of distraction. But soon I’ll be down to just too little boys. We’ll have to create lots of distractions and adventures together.

With school comes my favorite season. The leaves will turn, the temperatures will cool. And the holidays will hit. I’m nervous, dreading it. Wondering how on earth I’ll make it through the rest of the year without her. I know it’s going to be SO hard and I pray a lot for strength to make it through. As much as I would love to skip glibly past the rest of the year we’ll need it more than ever, especially for our amazing kids still with us. I just hope I can make it through.

This summer has been full of happy and sad, but I think more happy. The heart clenching hard moments are still there, but there have been many wonderful moments. Some days it’s hard to remain positive, and I found myself redoubling my efforts many times.

A few people have asked me how I do it.

Sometimes I don’t know.

I pray. I have hope and faith in Christ and I believe that families truly can be together forever. I cry when I have to. Or vent. venting helps a lot. And I allow myself to smile and be happy – sometimes it’s forced – fake it till you make it. Sometimes I have to give myself permission to laugh, or remind myself to. And, I find joy in the miracles that surround me. Even though I miss her terribly I have five beautiful amazing children and an incredible, loving husband. We have been blessed bounteously and I remind myself every day to look at all the beautiful things I have and that are all around me. From them I garner strength to keep going. And I know Lizy is waiting for me, I can’t let her, or anyone else in my family down.

And of course, all you amazing friends and family out there keep me bouyed up by all your prayers. We are so grateful for all the support we have received. So many have done so much and I don’t know if they’ll ever know how much they have touched our lives, but I hope some day they do.

I’ll try to be more consistent in writing. I’ve missed it, but it’s been hard to write lately, and I think this was a needed break. Hopefully soon I’ll get back to my Monday, Wednesday, Friday schedule – maybe, though, for now, I’ll aim for at least once a week and see where it gets me. 😉

8 Comments

Filed under Child loss, Every Day Life, Heart, Parenting

8 responses to “I’m Still Here, Just Plugging Along

  1. I have been thinking about you, I am glad that you are still hanging in there. ((hugs))

  2. Michelle Jensen

    I am Michelle Jensen. I am married to Lorilees brother Daniel. I was contemplating our daughters death and my friends son death today. A month before our daughter died one of my friends her son was 11 and accidently hung himself. I was thinking about how as a mother of a child who has passed away the year and the year after that are just so hard. People have said their condolences and moved on with their own lives and yet as a mother it still feels a lot of grief many days. Its a hard time. So many days I just wanted someone to realize as much as I knew the church was true and that families were eternal that it was just hard. Hard because I missed my daughter. Holidays were really hard I lived through them but they were hard and are hard. I just wanted you to know who I was. I just wanted you to know because I wish someone said it to me and to my friend that sometimes its just hard and its ok. I am sorry. I am so sorry. I love you.

  3. Zen Mama

    Hang in there, Julia. The blog isn’t important, you are. If you can’t blog them don’t worry about it. Just do what you need to do and know that we are all pulling for you.

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