The Faces of My Motivation

I’ve been asked sometimes, how do you do it?

How do you keep going?

Stay positive?

Be strong?

I’m not and I don’t. Not all the time at least. I struggle and I cry.

Sometimes I sob.

But, I can’t let myself do that a lot.

I can’t afford it.

I might have lost one precious and amazing daughter,

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but I have five more children who need me to keep it together.

So, when all else fails. When I’m tempted to give in, hide for a week, or turn into a quivering mess and stick my head in the sand for the rest of the month, week, or even year…

These are the glorious faces that keep me going:

Bobert

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Jamesy

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J-Kabob

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Emmy

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Dot

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They are my joy. I look at these photos and my heart swells and thumps and my eyes tear at the beauty in their face and their joy, even amidst the sorrows (these were taken this summer). It shines through and fills me in the darkest moments.

And of course, nothing would be possible without my amazing Husby.

Paul Wagner

He doesn’t mind if I soak his shirts with tears, or snap in frustration after a bad day. He always makes me smile and laugh. He is my hero.

So, the answer is, I do it for them. I do it for Lizy. We can only be together forever if I keep on keeping on. 🙂
Without them, I think this journey would be impossible.
They are amazing and I love them with ALL my heart.

7 Comments

Filed under Bobert, Child loss, Children, Dot, Em, Family, Gratitude, Jacob, James, Lizy

7 responses to “The Faces of My Motivation

  1. mcinsane

    Sniff. Thank you. Sniff.

  2. I didn’t know Lizy at all, but that is the sweetest photo of her. I cannot imagine your pain, but I think about you often and hope that time will dim that pain and let you enjoy the memory of your blessed girl.

  3. Joan

    Brian was what I called “my comfort child”. He would climb up on my lap and the pain would ease. He never minded if I was crying. I remember “clawing” through most days at the beginning. Then eventually there would be less of the days that felt like that. I sooo wanted to follow my child to the other side of the veil. Showers were the worst. Some people sing in the shower. I cried. Driving alone in the car was almost as lousy. But eventually I was able to be happy again. I had the same motivation that you do. Allow yourself to grieve. Don’t be hard on yourself. It is OK. Things really will get better. There will once again be happy days on a continuous basis. It takes time. I send my love.

  4. Susie

    So, i don’t know you but I am so sorry to hear about your daughter. I just wanted to share some things I’ve learned from the spirit about people that I have loved who have died. (And I’m really a totally normal person). My husband’s brother died before we got married and our son, who we named after him, came downstairs after being sick (it’s funny because my hubs gave him a blessing of comfort and I felt my bro. in law there) and started talking about how he wanted to draw a picture for his uncle and how much he loved him and how fun he was. When I pressed for details he just said, “I don’t know it was a long time ago, I can’t really remember. He was just so fun and played with me.” We rarely talk about his brother and my son was too little to have conjured this up in his head, so I just knew that they were best buds before he came to earth, and his uncle was one of the ones to comfort him just when he was throwing up. Our other kids have talked about him like he is just right there. It is amazing and I feel the spirit so strongly how close he is and involved in our family. I think they are there to comfort us and enjoy our family time with us. They loved being with us. It wouldn’t be “heaven” for them if they couldn’t see us all the time.

    Another thing is that i had a really abusive and neglectful mother but a wonderful dad. As I entered therapy and stuff, so often I have felt my grandma there, who was my dad’s mom who died before I was born. It turns out that this whole time when I’ve cried in my brain, “I’m motherless, no one has cared about me!” my grandma was there the whole time mothering me. I learned to love others and mother my children by her. I have had an experience where she reminded me of how much we loved each other before I came here and that she would keep being with me and help me as I have my kids.

    The spirit has also told me, “They are more alive than you realize” and “They are around to help more than you know.” Another time I had a dream where I was being kicked out of my house and I was searching and searching for something. All of a sudden I pulled back a curtain and there was my grandma to hug me. She said, “I’ve just been right here the whole time!” So, whenever I start missing my dad (he died a few years ago) or feeling alone, I think about how they really are just. right. there. and we are only separated by a thin curtain. If we could just have that little curtain be lifted off our eyes, we could see them clear as day intimately involved in our lives. So, I know this doesn’t do much. And I hope you have many wonderful dreams and experiences with your daughter. I keep praying for more for myself because you are supposed to ask for anything you want and they nourish my whole soul. It really is a beautiful plan, even now, when it doesn’t stink in the mean time. I am so sorry for you!

  5. You touch me to the core J. They are you and you are them. And Lizy will always be there with you in a gentle breeze that blows and touches your cheek or the smile of one of her siblings that will remind you of her. Always and always. ❤

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