The One Regret

It’s the 5th. In some ways, the 5th is just as hard as the 7th. I have found that keeping busy on those days helps – it helps a lot.

Sunday Jacob wanted to talk about Lizy. It’s rather rare. He usually doesn’t usually say much about how he feels with everything.

I pulled him onto my lap and we put our foreheads together to have a whispered pow wow.

“Remember when Lizy got hurt and Dorothy was screaming her name?”

I winced. It was me screaming Lizy’s name. With everything happening. With the worry of what Dot saw I didn’t think about how he may not of seen everything but he heard it.

He continued. “And then when they were taking her out on the board, I wanted to say goodbye, but I didn’t get to say goodbye.”

My heart broke. Things happened so fast. We had Dot come to the hospital, but not the other children. Em has expressed regret at not saying goodbye either. They said goodbye at the funeral, but it wasn’t the same.

“I’m so sorry.” I whispered. I didn’t have anything better to say. There are no comforting words to such hurt and regret. I hugged him tight.

“Next time, can I say goodbye?”

I kissed his forehead. “I hope we never, ever, have anything like that happen again, but I promise if it does, I will do everything I possibly can to let you say goodbye.”

I meant it. If there were one thing I could change (besides the obvious) it would be that. The only regret about how it all happened. So fast and my mind not thinking properly. I should have brought them all the hospital.

I hope no one else is ever in a similar situation, especially some one I know – but if you are – let them say goodbye if you can. Please. I wish I had. I can’t change it. I can only pray and talk with them, and try not to be hard on myself, because no one thinks straight in those situations.

I love my family. Every single amazing one of them. I love places like Fernside that help us all be able to talk about things and uncover hidden emotions.  I am grateful everyday for the Atonement. I am grateful that no matter how alone I might feel or how hard things might be, He understands. He is there for me. He weeps with me. Through Him I can see Lizy again and through him myself and my family can find peace and comfort until that glorious day we are reunited.

“And he shall go forth suffering  pain and afflictions and temptations of every kind, and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people. And he will take upon him death that he may loose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh,  that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities.” – Alma 7:11-12

“Each of us will have our own Fridays – those days when the universe itself seems shattered and the shards of our world lie littered about us in pieces. We all will experience those broken times when it seems we can never be put together again. We will all have our Fridays. But I testify to you in the name of the One who conquered death – Sunday will come. In the darkness of our sorrow, Sunday will come. No matter our desperation, no matter our grief, in this life or the next. Sunday will come.”  – Joseph B. Wirthlin


Filed under Child loss, Parenting

6 responses to “The One Regret

  1. Betty

    Oh Julia, my heart weeps with you, but it’s not completely too late for Jacob to say goodbye, or for Em, or for you, or for any of your family. I learned in Compassionate Friends about many ways to say goodbye, and about how many times you may feel the need to say goodbye, and how helpful it can be to express your goodbyes, as often as you want…. days, weeks, months, years later. It takes time to realize what to say, or even that you needed to say something. Jacob can still say goodbye now, even though he wasn’t able to do it when he (thinks) he wanted to. Lizzy can still hear him… knows how he feels, understands…. So now, or anytime, will always a good time. God bless your beautiful family!

  2. Etta feinauer

    Thank you for the beautiful post Julia. It has been over 20 years since our saddest day and I am still finding out things that my children felt or experienced that I wish I could have handled differently. Mothers want to be there for all of their children at the same time and sometimes we just can’t. I am so grateful for the peace the spirit brings and that Heavenly Father helps us through our trials. Your children are so blessed to have you for their mother.

  3. Things happened too quickly, like you said. I think Jacob and Em are looking for closure. I know my hubby is still doing so after his mom passed (this is over 16 years ago), he didn’t get to say good-bye by seeing her. But he and his father also didn’t have any kind of service for her either. So that part was good for your kids. That’s the goodbye part. And with photos and videos, maybe they can say their own private goodbyes….something will help the hurt.

  4. mcinsane

    I’m not even sure what to say. Nothing seems really appropriate without copying what others said before. I just want you to know that I appreciate you sharing your feelings. You build me up.

  5. Prayers for you guys! We should meet in person sometime. We have said that before & I’m sad we haven’t done so yet. Until then big hugs sent through this message.

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