That’s what I felt like shouting when I woke up yesterday morning.
Instead I scared the cat by singing
Oh What a Beautiful Morning…
at the top of my lungs
in the shower
But, it all meant and led to the same thing and feeling
and that is
after a long year
a year of major hurdles
lots of tears
a bit of laughter
and trying to figure out how to make my broken heart work again
I woke up feeling genuinely happy.
And that feeling is sticking around.
Maybe it was just the knowledge of knowing the hardest year is behind us.
Maybe it was just passing the epic one year anniversary & that all the firsts are done.
Maybe it is because Spring is finally here and I awoke to birds chirping and flowers blooming.
I’m not sure.
I know I still miss Lizy.
I always will.
I know I will still have hard and sad moments.
But, I feel the heaviness of sorrow lifting from me and I am excited to move onward.
I have the desire to write again,
to play more,
to sing (however badly out of tune) more,
to do and be more.
It’s not that I’ve been a sad mopey mess all this last year.
I’ve chosen to be as happy as I could be – and I like to think I was more often happy than not.
But, it’s been a hard choice – a conscious choice – the kind I have to remind myself of frequently
“You’re choosing to be happy, not mopey, remember”
And for the first time in a year I felt like that choice wasn’t forced, or difficult – it just was.
It used to be an easy thing. Being happy. Having fun. I didn’t like feeling like I had to physically make that choice every day and force it until I felt it.
Yesterday morning I felt like it was easy again.
AND I HAD FUN!!!
I’m not sure what the difference is.
I think it’s a combination of all of those things.
But I also know that because I worked hard all year long choosing to be happy rather than miserable, that Lord has blessed and helped me greatly.
There’s nothing wrong with grieving and being sad, but I firmly believe we can choose to be happy, find the positive, and recognize the blessings in the midst of extremely difficult trials and that we will be blessed for our efforts. I’m not saying I was good at it all the time. I had plenty of fist pounding, gut wrenching, sobbing moments when I thought I would fly to pieces and crumble to dust. I had moments where I wanted to curl up in a ball and cease to exist, I had moments when I was frustrated and angry, but I fought through them all and, I feel, came out a little better each time. Each time I clung to hope and faith and found the happy – even if it was just a minute little spark struggling in the dark – it was there and I found it.
And someday maybe that terribly hard choice to do all those good positive things won’t be quite as hard.
I feel it happening to me now
and I am so grateful
I like being happy
And even better, I’m sure Lizy is excited for me too…
after all it’s her book I’m working on first…