I’m Back!!

That’s what I felt like shouting when I woke up yesterday morning.

Instead I scared the cat by singing

Oh What a Beautiful Morning…

at the top of my lungs

very badly

in the shower

But, it all meant and led to the same thing and feeling

and that is

after a long year

a year of major hurdles

grief

lots of tears

a bit of laughter

and trying to figure out how to make my broken heart work again

I woke up feeling genuinely happy.

And that feeling is sticking around.

Maybe it was just the knowledge of knowing the hardest year is behind us.

Maybe it was just passing the epic one year anniversary & that all the firsts are done.

Maybe it is because Spring is finally here and I awoke to birds chirping and flowers blooming.

I’m not sure.

I know I still miss Lizy.

I always will.

I know I will still have hard and sad moments.

But, I feel the heaviness of sorrow lifting from me and I am excited to move onward.

I have the desire to write again,

to play more,

to sing (however badly out of tune) more,

to do and be more.

It’s not that I’ve been a sad mopey mess all this last year.

I’ve chosen to be as happy as I could be – and I like to think I was more often happy than not.

But, it’s been a hard choice – a conscious choice – the kind I have to remind myself of frequently

“You’re choosing to be happy, not mopey, remember”

And for the first time in a year I felt like that choice wasn’t forced, or difficult – it just was.

It used to be an easy thing. Being happy. Having fun. I didn’t like feeling like I had to physically make that choice every day and force it until I felt it.

Yesterday morning I felt like it was easy again.

AND I HAD FUN!!!

I’m not sure what the difference is.

I think it’s a combination of all of those things.

But I also know that because I worked hard all year long choosing to be happy rather than miserable, that Lord has blessed and helped me greatly.

There’s nothing wrong with grieving and being sad, but I firmly believe we can choose to be happy, find the positive, and recognize the blessings in the midst of extremely difficult trials and that we will be blessed for our efforts. I’m not saying I was good at it all the time. I had plenty of fist pounding, gut wrenching, sobbing moments when I thought I would fly to pieces and crumble to dust. I had moments where I wanted to curl up in a ball and cease to exist, I had moments when I was frustrated and angry, but I fought through them all and, I feel, came out a little better each time. Each time I clung to hope and faith and found the happy – even if it was just a minute little spark struggling in the dark – it was there and I found it.

And someday maybe that terribly hard choice to do all those good positive things won’t be quite as hard.

I feel it happening to me now

and I am so grateful

I like being happy

and cheery

and corny…

I’m BACK!!!

And even better, I’m sure Lizy is excited for me too…

after all it’s her book I’m working on first…

Belinda is back too 😀

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2 Comments

Filed under Miscellaneous

2 responses to “I’m Back!!

  1. carrie

    I am so happy for you! Truly you are inspiring. You probably don’t even realize how you have blessed so many lives. I love your honesty. Happiness radiates from this post.

  2. My dear friend, it’s so good to “see” the joy in your writing again. Grieving is hard work. I wrote about it here: http://fancydancy.blogspot.com/2011/09/grieving-is-hard-work.html just before Jessica’s one year angelversary. I, too, am finding myself being happy, singing and getting out more. My middle son is leaving for a mission next month and I’m soooo proud of him! But I know I will miss him too! I’ll be down to only one child living at home and that makes me a little nervous – I know I will be alright. I am doing more with the missionary effort in our ward as well as volunteering at the LDS Family History Center. My husband is the ward mission leader and we have sister missionaries so I’ve had several opportunities to go out with the sisters. We are also trying to get the youth involved in their own family histories and that has been fun too.

    We always worry about our heart kids surviving but it must be even more shocking when something happens to one of our healthy children. I think about you often. Please email me. I haven’t been able to find a way to contact you except to leave a message here. Sending you love and (((hugs))) from across the miles. ❤

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