Tag Archives: emotions

Surface

Weekly Anamnesis #21

I’m a day late on the deadline to this one . . .

I don’t know when I developped the knack for it. I do know that as a child and a tomboy I decided that crying was for wimps and I began to bury emotions beneath the surface. Most of my memories of childhood are happy, rosey golden ones. I know that my childhood wasn’t perfect, but it was far better than most of my friends and I loved my childhood. I burried sad memories with my desire to cry. (I don’t mind the burrying of sad memories, I think it is important to move on, but along with some of those memories I burried the ability to show more emotion than just happiness.) Maybe I had experienced just enough hurt to not want to face it, maybe I was trying to be tough, I’ll never really know. I remember in college wishing that I could “feel ” more and I worked on it some. But it hurt – a lot. So I reburried emotion and continued on my life. But, once you excavate something and try to reburry it, often you don’t do as good as a job. My feelings were a little easier to tap into, a little easier access. I started showing more than one feeling without my even knowing it. (I was the always with a smile on her face girl.)

Paul was the one who taught me how to cry, really cry and to really feel. I remember after my Grammy died and I couldn’t go to her funeral that I was trying to assure him that I was fine, everything was fine. He looked at me odd and knew what my true feelings below the surface were, but I couldn’t cry or show my emotion in front of people, even him, and tears slipped quietly down my face while we were sleeping. He knew.

I have since become a watering pot, or at least I feel like it sometimes, with him. I still work on not burying all my emotions below the surface, but I still have a hard time letting hurt and pain and fear show. Though sometimes, I wish I could have the always happy girl back, but that just doesn’t work in parenthood. heh 🙂

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Filed under Anamnesis, Love and Marriage, Memory, Writing

Random Musings

Sorry guys, it must be in the air . . .

I had a friend one time who could never be serious. She was constantly telling one joke after another and always laughing. Most of the time it was great, but sometimes it was hard to handle. I finally asked her why she never had a serious conversation and felt like she had to laugh about everything. “Because,” she told me, “I’m afraid of being laughed at. If I am laughing too then it is not as bad, but if I am trying to be serious and they are laughing at me it hurts to much.”

I found her response interesting and a little sad but over the years I have thought a lot about it. And I have come to see some of that in myself. I’m working on it, letting my more serious and emotional side out a bit more. Not that we shouldn’t be fun loving and tell humorous stories and jokes, or be able to laugh at ourselves, but I believe that there should be a balance, in all things. We miss out on so many things because of fears we have. I have a fear of sharing my inner self with people and letting my emotions (other than happiness) show. That is one reason I love to play the piano so much, I can share it with out my feelings being on the surface.

Anyway, I am trying to confront my fears and overcome “psychological bogeymen” (as my big sis. would call them, hee hee). So, I am letting go a bit, and I want to thank you for not laughing. See, I was terrified to start a blog, for fear of being laughed at I suppose. Which is rather silly because I love it and I love writing and after all, isn’t that what matters?

(ok, I’m done rambling and will return to goofy J self come morning . . . oh, and did any of that even make sense to anyone but me? Well, even if not I understood and musing does seem to clear the cobwebs and bring new resolve and understanding . . .)

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Filed under Music, Opinion, Philosophy