Tired

I have come to the realization that I am tired. Exhausted. WORN OUT. Mainly emotionally. I started thinking of all the things I am tired of and making a list. These are things people in my situation think about day in and day out. I don’t want to offend or make anyone back off – you’ll notice there are many opposites such as wanting to be left alone, not wanting to be left alone, etc. I don’t know if I will share it – maybe someone else will be able to relate and realize others go through this, etc.

I am tired of….

crying

this empty ache that will never completely go away

of trying to figure out how to answer people when they ask how many kids we have  – she was part of our lives for 12 years, we can’t just pretend we have 5 kids, but then things get awkward when they ask ages and such.

of feeling like being happy is an effort

of reminding myself to smile – it used to come so naturally

of feeling inadaquate to the task at hand of helping my dear sweet children cope with losing a sister

of never knowing when grief will sabotage me and push me to tears

being this person

not being the person I used to be

being the example

being the friend who lost her  daughter

having red eyes

looking tired

hoping someone says her name

people being afraid to say her name or talk about her

conversations becoming awkward when they realize who we are/we have a daughter who died

feeling like everyone else has moved on with their lives and I’m stuck

wishing there was a pause button so I could deal with this nice and tidy before moving on

trying to respond to cliched (though very well meant) comments

craving her laugh, her smile, her hugs

empty arms

having to snuggle with her blanket to feel close to her

sleepless/fitful nights

not being focused

the pitiful looks that come my way

staring into space

not being able to cry when I feel like I am about to burst

family time being so hard sometimes

having to visit a cemetary

needing/wanting to visit the cemetary

going home to 1 less child and 5 who desperately need me to be brave and keep it together

being reminded of my tragedy

being afraid I will somehow forget all the details of her life, her face, her smile, her walk

being afraid that others will forget

of having to write out my thoughts and feelings in order to release

of having to rely on others

being miserable

living moment to moment

trying to keep busy

looking at kids her age and trying not to cry

having to switch stations on the radio

not being able to watch my favorite movies – or crying my way through them

just trying to make it through the day

wanting to sleep until this goes away

being restless

worrying about future events – reminding myself that I need to let my children be children and not over protect them

watching my loved ones suffer

dreading going to bed at night for fear of the morning

dreading waking up in the morning

not having my normal spunk

not wanting to go to places that remind me

feeling sorrow

having to talk about this for a release

my nervous energy

pacing

feeling cut off

crying when I am alone

avoiding human contact

wanting to hide

feeling guilty (most of the time I can shove it aside, but it is still there)

cloudy and rainy days making me sad

the 7th of the month

feeling this

thinking about this knowing this

trying to make my heart understand

my brain understanding this

losing time to this

wanting to be alone

wanting to be around people

not knowing what I want or how I feel

needing support

wanting to talk

feeling lethargic

wanting to talk about it

not wanting to talk about it

nerves

my nervous habits

being the one who will make a difference

having to give myself permission to be happy

holding my sobbing children trying to find the right words

not being able to find the right words

of being brave

of being an inspiration

replaying events in my mind

not knowing how to help my children/husband

defending my grief – as in it’s normal, not a lack of faith, I’m not self pitying, I just miss her,  etc.

feeling scatterbrained and disorganized

forgetting things

 
of being tired

Now, with all that being said – the crazy thoughts in my head. Those are just things I’m tired of – I don’t feel them all, all the time, they change faster than the Cincinnati weather and my 12-and-a-half-year-old daughter’s moods. I like to think I’m managing to hold my fraying ends together, but  if I seem a little spacey the above might be why. If you have a loved one or friend going through a loss, be patient with them, we appreciate it. 🙂

Lastly, even with this being so incredibly hard, I think often on Joseph Smith and what Heavenly Father told him as he struggled – and he faced things far beyond any that my family has:

“And if thou shouldst be cast into the pit, or into the hands of murderers, and the sentence of death passed upon thee; if thou be cast into the deep; if the billowing surge conspire against thee; if fierce winds become thine enemy; if the heavens gather blackness, and all the elements combine to hedge up the way; and above all, if the very jaws of hell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good.”  (Doctrine & Covenants 122:7)

That’s why we’re here. No matter how hard. We’re here for the experiences. To learn and to grow. To be stretched. To learn to have faith even when we feel faithless or can’t understand why things have to happen the way they do. All these experiences can be for our good if we let them.

And though at times I wonder how on earth I can possibly survive this, how I can muddle my way through with my family intact, I know that we are here for this purpose. We can let this build us and make us stronger. Sometimes it can be hard to see how any of this is for our good, but so much good has come about in  the months after, Lizy has made such a wonderful difference in the lives of others both in life and in death.  No matter how it hurts, there is good in it somewhere and we’ll be together again for all of eternity.

I know Heavenly Father loves me and gives me the strength I need to get through all the tired.

Now……

time to go do all those things I’m tired of! 🙂

I’m Still Here, Just Plugging Along

I’ve noticed lately that time is a strange creature. I really didn’t notice so much of it was racing by as my poor little blog sat neglected. In some ways it feels like the months have stretched on endlessly, and in many other ways it feels like I blinked and somehow managed to get almost half-way through August. Some days feel endless and some weeks I can hardly grasp onto they rush past so fast.

Emotions get strange and jumbled up. Jacob had a cardiology appointment scheduled for the 7th of August. At first I thought I could do it, no problem, be tough. The closer the day got the harder the idea became of being at that hospital on that day. They were really sweet about rescheduling that morning, and I stayed far away from the hospital that day. But, I did visit Lizy.

School is starting soon. A week and a half to go. In someways I’m looking forward to it – being back on a schedule will be nice. In other ways I’m dreading it. It’s been so easy to keep busy this summer – all the kids home, lots of distraction. But soon I’ll be down to just too little boys. We’ll have to create lots of distractions and adventures together.

With school comes my favorite season. The leaves will turn, the temperatures will cool. And the holidays will hit. I’m nervous, dreading it. Wondering how on earth I’ll make it through the rest of the year without her. I know it’s going to be SO hard and I pray a lot for strength to make it through. As much as I would love to skip glibly past the rest of the year we’ll need it more than ever, especially for our amazing kids still with us. I just hope I can make it through.

This summer has been full of happy and sad, but I think more happy. The heart clenching hard moments are still there, but there have been many wonderful moments. Some days it’s hard to remain positive, and I found myself redoubling my efforts many times.

A few people have asked me how I do it.

Sometimes I don’t know.

I pray. I have hope and faith in Christ and I believe that families truly can be together forever. I cry when I have to. Or vent. venting helps a lot. And I allow myself to smile and be happy – sometimes it’s forced – fake it till you make it. Sometimes I have to give myself permission to laugh, or remind myself to. And, I find joy in the miracles that surround me. Even though I miss her terribly I have five beautiful amazing children and an incredible, loving husband. We have been blessed bounteously and I remind myself every day to look at all the beautiful things I have and that are all around me. From them I garner strength to keep going. And I know Lizy is waiting for me, I can’t let her, or anyone else in my family down.

And of course, all you amazing friends and family out there keep me bouyed up by all your prayers. We are so grateful for all the support we have received. So many have done so much and I don’t know if they’ll ever know how much they have touched our lives, but I hope some day they do.

I’ll try to be more consistent in writing. I’ve missed it, but it’s been hard to write lately, and I think this was a needed break. Hopefully soon I’ll get back to my Monday, Wednesday, Friday schedule – maybe, though, for now, I’ll aim for at least once a week and see where it gets me. 😉

Something I am Learning

“It is not enough simply to survive tragedy, trials are in vain if we gain no meaning from them, no healing, and no increase in sensitivity to the daily gifts of God’s grace.” – Elaine Shaw Sorensen

Chrysalis
Knowing without seeing,
Feeling without saying,
He perceives my meditations
And fathoms the fire of my soul.
Acquiescence of my foibles
He makes no essay to alter my character
Resulting in mere mutations of a former being.
Abiding in his passion
I metamorphose,
A sweeping transformation
To a superior self never realized.

Whispers

Being

Gnarled silhouette
                              perching precariously upon the craggy cliff.
Defying the odds
     of a world that says
     it should not be there.
Roots digging,
                     grasping,
                          clinging,
Fierce determination
     to thrive.
Winds pummel the delicate branches mercilessly
      trying to tear them
      from their roots;
It remains steadfast.
Delicate, fragile, a beauty
      one regards with reverence.
Inner strength which the eye
      cannot behold.
Wisdom within
      its knotted branches;
God’s whisper upon the Earth.

Often that’s how I feel. Barely clinging on, grasping desperately at memories and trying to keep our lives moving forward. Sometimes I think I hurt more for my kids than for me. But even with all that is hard and feels close to impossible, I have seen and felt many of God’s whispers, especially since Lizy died. And often, they are accompanied by Lizy whispers too. A pink sunrise or sunset, pink flowers winking at me along a trail, a memory, a smile, a likeness.

All tender mercies from God that we are not forgotten.

3 Years Ago

Three years ago it was Easter today. I remember that it was a gorgeous day and I wanted so desperately to be able to enjoy the glorious day with my family, but my heart was full of hope and worry as I clung on with desperate faith.

It is hard to believe sometimes that it ever happened as I look at my son today. But sometimes it seems like we just barely got home from the hospital. Funny how time plays tricks with you.

This year Easter was on the day that Jacob was rushed to the hospital three years ago.

It was an odd sensation going to the hospital this year to volunteer on Easter Sunday. Being so close to his surgery date, being the anniversary of the day it all started, most of all it being Easter.

How can I describe how marvelous it is to not only celebrate the rising of our Saviour and Redeemer Jesus Christ, but to also celebrate the life of our son on Easter.

I know that our Saviour lives and loves us, and I know that even though we all go through hard times where we wonder how on earth can we can possibly make it through, that he understands. He is with us every step of the way and when we have no more strength to walk on our own he gathers us into his loving arms and carries us. He and our ever loving Heavenly Father want so desperately to help, comfort, and guide us. We simply need to ask.

I know I am a bit late with my Easter tribute. But Christ the Lord is indeed risen, and I as words fail to express how my heart feels, I rely on a favorite hymn:

“I stand all amazed at the love Jesus offers me,
Confused at the grace so fully he proffers me.
I tremble to know that for me he was crucified,
That for me, a sinner, he suffered, he bled and died.

I marvel that he would descend from his throne devine
To rescue a soul so rebellious and proud as mine,
That he should extend his great love unto such as I,
Sufficient to own, to redeem, and to justify.

I think of his hands pierced and bleeding to pay the debt!
So mercy, such love and devotion can I forget?
No, no I will praise and adore at the mercy seat,
Until at the glorified throne I kneel at his feet.

Oh, it is wonderful that he should care for me enough to die for me!
Oh, it is wonderful, wonderful to me!”

And he is risen! How glorious it is!

Dream Mist

Dorothy will often wake up in the middle of the night crying because of a nightmare. We comfort her and soon she will settle down, snuggle in and drift back off to sleep. We were talking with some friends of ours and they mentioned that their daughters used to have terrible nightmares.

“Before they went to bed with started to spray them with an imaginary dream mist spray that would take all the nightmares away. It worked great!” They told us.

It sounded like a fun idea and so one night after Dorothy had another bad dream paul “spritzed” her with the imaginary dream spray telling her that it would take away her bad dreams.

“But daddy,” she says, “shouldn’t I just pray?”