Tag Archives: God

Tired

I have come to the realization that I am tired. Exhausted. WORN OUT. Mainly emotionally. I started thinking of all the things I am tired of and making a list. These are things people in my situation think about day in and day out. I don’t want to offend or make anyone back off – you’ll notice there are many opposites such as wanting to be left alone, not wanting to be left alone, etc. I don’t know if I will share it – maybe someone else will be able to relate and realize others go through this, etc.

I am tired of….

crying

this empty ache that will never completely go away

of trying to figure out how to answer people when they ask how many kids we have  – she was part of our lives for 12 years, we can’t just pretend we have 5 kids, but then things get awkward when they ask ages and such.

of feeling like being happy is an effort

of reminding myself to smile – it used to come so naturally

of feeling inadaquate to the task at hand of helping my dear sweet children cope with losing a sister

of never knowing when grief will sabotage me and push me to tears

being this person

not being the person I used to be

being the example

being the friend who lost her  daughter

having red eyes

looking tired

hoping someone says her name

people being afraid to say her name or talk about her

conversations becoming awkward when they realize who we are/we have a daughter who died

feeling like everyone else has moved on with their lives and I’m stuck

wishing there was a pause button so I could deal with this nice and tidy before moving on

trying to respond to cliched (though very well meant) comments

craving her laugh, her smile, her hugs

empty arms

having to snuggle with her blanket to feel close to her

sleepless/fitful nights

not being focused

the pitiful looks that come my way

staring into space

not being able to cry when I feel like I am about to burst

family time being so hard sometimes

having to visit a cemetary

needing/wanting to visit the cemetary

going home to 1 less child and 5 who desperately need me to be brave and keep it together

being reminded of my tragedy

being afraid I will somehow forget all the details of her life, her face, her smile, her walk

being afraid that others will forget

of having to write out my thoughts and feelings in order to release

of having to rely on others

being miserable

living moment to moment

trying to keep busy

looking at kids her age and trying not to cry

having to switch stations on the radio

not being able to watch my favorite movies – or crying my way through them

just trying to make it through the day

wanting to sleep until this goes away

being restless

worrying about future events – reminding myself that I need to let my children be children and not over protect them

watching my loved ones suffer

dreading going to bed at night for fear of the morning

dreading waking up in the morning

not having my normal spunk

not wanting to go to places that remind me

feeling sorrow

having to talk about this for a release

my nervous energy

pacing

feeling cut off

crying when I am alone

avoiding human contact

wanting to hide

feeling guilty (most of the time I can shove it aside, but it is still there)

cloudy and rainy days making me sad

the 7th of the month

feeling this

thinking about this knowing this

trying to make my heart understand

my brain understanding this

losing time to this

wanting to be alone

wanting to be around people

not knowing what I want or how I feel

needing support

wanting to talk

feeling lethargic

wanting to talk about it

not wanting to talk about it

nerves

my nervous habits

being the one who will make a difference

having to give myself permission to be happy

holding my sobbing children trying to find the right words

not being able to find the right words

of being brave

of being an inspiration

replaying events in my mind

not knowing how to help my children/husband

defending my grief – as in it’s normal, not a lack of faith, I’m not self pitying, I just miss her,  etc.

feeling scatterbrained and disorganized

forgetting things

 
of being tired

Now, with all that being said – the crazy thoughts in my head. Those are just things I’m tired of – I don’t feel them all, all the time, they change faster than the Cincinnati weather and my 12-and-a-half-year-old daughter’s moods. I like to think I’m managing to hold my fraying ends together, but  if I seem a little spacey the above might be why. If you have a loved one or friend going through a loss, be patient with them, we appreciate it. 🙂

Lastly, even with this being so incredibly hard, I think often on Joseph Smith and what Heavenly Father told him as he struggled – and he faced things far beyond any that my family has:

“And if thou shouldst be cast into the pit, or into the hands of murderers, and the sentence of death passed upon thee; if thou be cast into the deep; if the billowing surge conspire against thee; if fierce winds become thine enemy; if the heavens gather blackness, and all the elements combine to hedge up the way; and above all, if the very jaws of hell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good.”  (Doctrine & Covenants 122:7)

That’s why we’re here. No matter how hard. We’re here for the experiences. To learn and to grow. To be stretched. To learn to have faith even when we feel faithless or can’t understand why things have to happen the way they do. All these experiences can be for our good if we let them.

And though at times I wonder how on earth I can possibly survive this, how I can muddle my way through with my family intact, I know that we are here for this purpose. We can let this build us and make us stronger. Sometimes it can be hard to see how any of this is for our good, but so much good has come about in  the months after, Lizy has made such a wonderful difference in the lives of others both in life and in death.  No matter how it hurts, there is good in it somewhere and we’ll be together again for all of eternity.

I know Heavenly Father loves me and gives me the strength I need to get through all the tired.

Now……

time to go do all those things I’m tired of! 🙂

11 Comments

Filed under Child loss, Lizy, Philosophy, Religion

Whispers

Being

Gnarled silhouette
                              perching precariously upon the craggy cliff.
Defying the odds
     of a world that says
     it should not be there.
Roots digging,
                     grasping,
                          clinging,
Fierce determination
     to thrive.
Winds pummel the delicate branches mercilessly
      trying to tear them
      from their roots;
It remains steadfast.
Delicate, fragile, a beauty
      one regards with reverence.
Inner strength which the eye
      cannot behold.
Wisdom within
      its knotted branches;
God’s whisper upon the Earth.

Often that’s how I feel. Barely clinging on, grasping desperately at memories and trying to keep our lives moving forward. Sometimes I think I hurt more for my kids than for me. But even with all that is hard and feels close to impossible, I have seen and felt many of God’s whispers, especially since Lizy died. And often, they are accompanied by Lizy whispers too. A pink sunrise or sunset, pink flowers winking at me along a trail, a memory, a smile, a likeness.

All tender mercies from God that we are not forgotten.

Pink Sunset

3 Comments

Filed under Child loss, Miracles, Religion

Easing the Ache

I just got back yesterday morning from my trip to Oregon.

They say you can never go home…

but sometimes you can.

It was odd being there without my family, but SO good seeing old friends and spending time with my parents.

I don’t know what I expected upon seeing my father.

I knew things would be different.

And they were.

He wouldn’t be the same strong man with confidence in his step.

But, no matter how he changes physically. The love and light forever remains in his eyes.

His testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ remains firm and steadfast and he is sure in his love for Heavenly Father as well as Heavenly Father’s love for him.

He still has a smile on his face.

My mother is a pillar of strength and goodness. Smiling her way through with faith that whatever happens it will be God’s will and for the best.

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I am SO blessed to have such parents. Parents who have taught me and shown me the way to true happiness. Not the kind that you attempt to buy or find through praises and accomplishments. The happiness of knowing you stand for your beliefs and that true joy comes in giving of yourself to others.

We may struggle to make ends meet, but I am RICH. I have so much.

My Dad is and always will be one of my heroes. He is an amazing man.

He started Chemo yesterday, yes he does have brain cancer.

I also have a friend, a very close dear friend, who found out (at about the same time as my Dad) that she has breast cancer. She starts chemo today. My heart aches for her and her family.

I cry sometimes when I think of them and how far away I am. Helpless to do much but pray.  Mostly though, I am happy.  Happy for the life Dad has lived and the lessons he has bestowed upon all of us. Happy for the memories my friend and I have created and will continue to create. They both have taught me so much and my life is richer knowing them.

I have hope, a lot of hope. There have already been so many miracles in all of this. And I know that some of the hardest words we’ll ever say is “Thy will be done.” And not just the saying of it, but truly meaning and feeling the words as well.

I believe we become stronger in our challenges if we let them bring us closer together and to our Heavenly Father. I know prayers make a difference. I know they are heard and answered. God doesn’t keep the hard or bad things from happening, but he gives us strength to make it through and peace.

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IMG017

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Filed under Opinion, Philosophy, Religion

Because He Knew What I Needed

I like to think that typically I have a good attitude about things, but on occasion I can be downright snarky. Especially when it comes to certain things. When my husband heard about Time Out for Women and asked if I was going (he thought it was some Stake or Ward meeting) my snark meter hit the roof.

After a scoffing laugh, I said,

                       “No.” 

The kind of “no” with the silent

                               “duh”

attached.

He raised an eyebrow – well I think he raised both eyebrows, but if he could only raise one, he would have, so in my imagination he rose an eyebrow.

I groaned and answered his silent question. “It’s not an actual Relief Society meeting, is a conferency thing put on by Deseret Book.” I noticed he still had the brows raised so I continued with what I thought was a deal sealer:

“You have to PAY to go.”

He remained silent, just looking at me with those, “well, go on” eyes. So I went on, satisfying my snark meter’s demands. “It’s like paying someone to have a spiritual experience. I’d rather go read or re-watch General Conference, I can be spiritually uplifted for FREE.”

I’m sure during my entire tirade my husband was silently praying not to be struck by lightning, and Heavenly Father was thinking,

“This one needs an attitude adjustment.” 

Paul very sweetly said nothing and dropped the topic.

A week later, the day before Time Out for Women Cincinnati, I received a phone call from a friend. After we exchanged pleasantries, our conversation went something like this:

“I was hoping I’d be feeling better by this weekend, but I’m really not doing well. Would you like my tickets to Time Out for Women? Catherine is going and you could ride down with her.”

“Ummmm…

Well, it would be fun to hang out with her, but Jacob has a soccer game Friday, and both he and Em have their last games on Saturday. I’ll talk with my husband and let you know.”

I hopped off the phone and waited for Paul to arrive, all the time thinking that while I might not be that interested in Time Out the opportunity to hang with a good friend would be fun.

My head battled things out.

The snark meter went crazy,

the guilt ramped up

what kind of mom ditches her kids on the LAST games of the season (even if they have attended all the other games so far)?,

and the slight PING of excitement about getting out and away for an extended period of time snuck in.

The snark meter and guilt winning, I pounced on Paul the minute he arrived, most certain he would axe the plan for me and save me from having to make a decision.

After I told him about the available tickets he said, “I think you should go, but I have to work on Saturday.”

I couldn’t believe my answer was SO easy! “No problem, I don’t mind, and I’m sure someone else can use those tickets.” I turn to bounce into the house when he spoke again.

“Wait, wait, wait. I didn’t say no. What time are the games?”

“Tomorrow’s is at 5, Jacob would have to miss it altogether. Then Em’s is at 10:30 and Jacob’s at 11 tomorrow. ”

“Hmmmm….

Jacob can miss tomorrow’s game. I can go in to work at 6 in the morning and get my hours in before taking the kids to the games and then if I need to I can work from home.”

“Are you sure? That’s an awful lot of running and juggling. Besides, Liz and Dot have done SO much babysitting, I’d feel bad making them do more so I can go.”

My million dollar man insisted, to which I replied, “Okay, but only if Liz and the girls are okay with the extra babysitting.”

I called the girls together and explained the situation. My incredibly awesome girls said, “You should go mom, we don’t mind the extra babysitting.”

My decision made for me, I called to say I could use the tickets. I was excited about getting out, mostly because of the time I’d spend with a good friend, a little because I thought I’d have fun, and a little in hopes of proving my snark meter right. My excited friend bubbled over how much fun I’d have when I told her it was my first time to ever go.

Well, my snark meter was proved

WRONG!!!!!

From the moment it started to the moment it ended I had the time of my life. I haven’t laughed that hard in ages, and I was spiritually touched and changed.  I felt inspired, uplifted, and motivated. I received answers to long sought after questions, comfort for discouragments and excitement for forging on. I felt like every talk was pointed right at me. It was as though Heavenly Father was saying,

“Listen up kid, you need this”

followed by a huge

                           hug.

So, I swallowed my pride this weekend, and it never felt so good. I thought I was sacrificing so much by missing my kids games, when I sacrificed nothing and received everything. They sacrificed their time for me, babysitting and not minding if I missed their final games. Paul was up at 5:15 in the morning on a Saturday to get his work done in time.  I am so blessed to have the amazing family I have. I was uplifted, enriched, and humbled…. and the next time Time Out for Women is in our area I will most likely be in line to get tickets if I can.

Heavenly Father knew what I needed and I am so grateful he insisted even when I was being snarky and difficult.

I know He loves us and I am so grateful!

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Filed under Religion