Category Archives: Humor

Kid’s Proverbs

I was going through files tonight on my computer, deleting nonsense or unneeded files, organizing stray files into folders, etc, when I came across this gem & boy did it give me a great laugh!

Apparently, in January of 2009 I did an activity with my girls where I gave them the first half of a proverb and let them come up with the rest. The results were rather hilarious – especially six years later. At the time, Lizy would have been 9, Dot 8, & Em 6. The first line is the given line, the second is what my kids gave me 😀 Some are wise, some are endearing, a couple are right (or pretty close), and a bunch are just plain funny! I didn’t change anything – just copy and pasted (so comments in paranthesis are what I wrote 6 years ago)

1. Don’t change horses
Until they grow up (Emily)

2. Strike while the
Bees are gone from the hive (Dorothy)

3. It’s always darkest before
The light comes up (Elizabeth)

4. Never underestimate the power of
God (Emily)

5. You can lead a horse to water but
Not to a lake with sharks in it (Dorothy)

6. Don’t bite the hand that
Is alive (Elizabeth)

7. No news is
Until morning – we only get news when it’s morning (Emily)

8. A miss is as good as a
Hit (Dorothy)

9. You can’t teach an old dog new
Tricks (Elizabeth – she didn’t know that is really the answer)

10. If you lie down with dogs, you’ll
Get dirty (Emily)

11. Love all, trust
Heavenly Father (Dorothy)

12. The pen is mightier than the
Eraser or a pencil (Elziabeth)

13. An idle mind is
Blank (Emily)

14. Where there’s smoke there’s
A fire – not always though (Dorothy)

15. Happy the bride who
Marries the groom (Elizabeth)

16. A penny saved is
Saving money (Emily)

17. Two’s company, three’s
Trouble (Elizbeth)

18. Don’t put off till tomorrow what
Is rotten (Dorothy)

19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and
I’ll cry with you (Emily)

20. There are none so blind as
One who can’t see (Dorothy)

21. Children should be seen and not
Hid (Elizabeth)

22. If at first you don’t succeed
Try to do it again (Emily)

23. You get out of something only what you
Need (Dorothy)

24. When the blind lead the blind
You fall (Elizabeth)

25. A bird in the hand
can fly away (Emily)

26. Better late than
kicked out of school (Dorothy)

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Filed under Children, Dot, Em, Humor, Lizy, Things Kids Say

Holy Flying Chicken Chili, Batman!!!

James bounded in the door after his first day of school (he’s hit the big time – he’s in first grade!). Words bubbled out of his mouth faster than Niagra Falls over his amazing day. I grinned from ear to ear listening to him as he unpacked his backpack.

He got to his lunch and shot me a glance – the kind that hoped I would be mad – and said, “I didn’t eat all of my chicken chili.” He pulled out the blue-lidded silver thermos from his lunch bag. “I thought-” he paused to twist the lid and grunted, “I’d try to finish it now.”

“It probably isn’t any good now,” I said.

He shrugged and continued to grunt and twist at the lid. “I’ll at least open it to see.” After a few more moments of wrenching at the lid, he passed the container to me. “Can you do it?”

“Sure.” I nonchalantly gave the lid a twist, figuring anything a six-year-old had a hard time unscrewing would be a cinch for me. I twisted harder. I grabbed a towel and wrenched the lid again, hoping the towel would give me more traction. No matter what I tried the lid refused to budge. “Who screw this thing on, superman?” I asked.

James giggled. “No. I did.” He bulged his little six-year-old muscles. “I’m strong!”

“Yes, indeed you are.” I gave the lid a final attempt before staring at it in contempt. “Nothing doing, it’s not coming off today. Perhaps Dad can get it when he gets home tomorrow night.” I set it on the counter. “It probably wouldn’t have been any good to eat anyway, I’ll give you an apple.”

And with that the container was forgotten. It never occurred to me what might happen if I let white chicken chili (with BEANS) sit in an airtight container and ferment over night….

The alarm jerked me awake at 5:00 this morning and I prodded Dot into wakefulness. Running a little late (her alarm is set for 4:40), she managed to get everything done and my crazy morning began. I ran Dot to seminary, came home and made sure Em was awake. While she got ready for school, I made lunches. Then at 6:30, a little before Em was about ready to go out to catch the bus, I roused the boys and got them loaded into the van. Once Em was on her way, we sped over to the church to fetch Dot and then took her to highschool, returning home with just over an hour to get the boys ready to catch their bus.

We were half way through breakfast, when I ran upstairs for something. I heard a really loud pop and bang, and yelled something about not knocking the chairs over, while I searched my desk for the needed paper. Jacob appeared at my door gasping for breath after charging up the stairs.

“You know the white chicken chili James didn’t eat? It EXPLODED!!” He threw his hands in the air looking both delighted and panicked at the same time. “The lid made a hole in the ceiling – and it smells really bad.” This last statement came out nasally as he pinched his nose.

Feeling a bit wary (of the mess I’d have to clean up), slightly amused, and extremely curious I followed him down the stairs and into the kitchen to survey the damage.

“Holy Flying Chicken Chili, Batman!!” I exclaimed, my jaw dropping.

The smell of fermented beans and sour milk clung to the air. Bits and pieces of chili littered the counter and floor – sometimes nothing more than the bean skin was seen laying forlornly by itself, with the escaped bean smashed a short distance away. The lid had landed, broken, close to the dining room entrance. I gazed up at the ceiling.  A large clump of chili clung to the ceiling, dripping in great oozing drops, with a neat rectangular gash in it’s center from where the side of the lid had slammed into the ceiling. Had it been outside, it probably would have cleared the atmosphere. Clumps and gobs of chilie even slid morosely down the front of the fridge on the opposite side of the kitchen.

“Wow, impressive,” I managed to say before the chuckles began to hit. The boys staring at me in awed wonder – the little ones seemed rather terrified that something else might explode soon. I continued to laugh while I instructed them to fetch some supplies to start the clean up with.

I have a feeling I’ll be finding (and hopefully not smelling) bits and pieces of white chicken chili in random places for a long time to come, lol.

So, lesson of the day… if you have a thermos with chili in it that you can’t get the lid off – stow it in the fridge until the muscle arrives – unless, of course, you want the cool scientific experience. In that case, I’d stick it outside to avoid the mess (of course, with my luck it would indeed clear the atmosphere only to come back as a meteor and wipe out my house – I know, it’s impossible – but imagination is key here).

Water rockets have got nothing on me guys….  😀

DSC_1072DSC_1073 

(Just don’t let me near a pressure cooker…. If I can’t handle a thermos, I shudder to thing what I would do with one of those! lol)

* two updates since writing this post: 1 – when I walked back downstairs to get back to cleaning, I remembered my first thought on observing the mess the first time (after the holy flying chicken chile, Batman) – Dang! I missed it! (as in witnessing the actual event. 2- I was washing the dishes and couldn’t figure out what happened to the rest of the lid – I had only found the cap – the part that stick out and into the thermos to help create the seal was missing entirely. I finally found it… under the dining room table! lol!

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Filed under Goofs, Humor

The Effect of a Typical Day

Today’s post is brought to you by my

Husby

and his

SMILEY FACE MUG!

He had a little fun taking photos of it and using those photo warping apps on it….

A fresh new day!

Full of possibilities, enthusiasm, the world is yours!

No dish will be left unwashed, no corner uncleaned, no job undone!

Smiley 1

And then the effects of the typical day,

whether at work

or at home chasing children

(which is a ton of work, by the way)

take their toll,

the day wears you down,

and your left feeling just a little….

Smiley 2

Luckily, you know that after a good nights sleep,

and quite possibly a hefty dose of chocolate therapy,

you can feel like this again in the morning…

Smiley 1

READY TO CONQUER THE WORLD!!

(or at least the two-year-old)

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Filed under Humor, Parenting

Just a Bit of Silliness

I love writing games. 

Of course, I love writing.

My favorite writing game is the one where you write a little bit and fold the paper covering everything but a one or two word lead in. The results can be absolutely hilarious.

Friday night Paul and I were on one of our famously fun dates.

Only, it wasn’t as famously fun as usual because we forgot to bring a card game with us.

We almost ALWAYS play a card game or something on dates – especially when we’re eating out –

but we’ve been known to play just about anywhere…

waiting for a movie to start…

waiting in a really long line for something…

waiting for contractions to kick in and get that baby outta there…

Just about anything that takes any amount of waiting requires a card game

which results in LOTS of LAUGHS

and strange looks from many people – which make us laugh even harder.

Only, Friday night we forgot the game.

BUT

I had a pad of paper and I found out that my Husby likes to make up stories – write stories

We’ve been married 14 years and I did not know this!

Shame on me.

(Apparantly he said he doesn’t mention it because he has no time to give it a whirl, so I’m not COMPLETELY lame – just partially lame)

Anyway, that got me thinking about my FAVORITE writing game…

and I remembered I had a pad of paper in my purse.

Well, of course I pulled out that pad of paper and we got to writing….

The resulting story had us laughing so hard we were in tears and I decided it HAD to be shared…

It’s very short (hey, the notebook has to be small enough to fit in my purse for crying out loud)

My part is in PINK with the lead in words in GREEN

Paul’s Part is in BLUE with the lead in words in GREEN

Remember, we don’t see anything that the other person has written except for the lead in words.

Alice stood on the porch railing trying to balance herself.  She grabbed the toothpick and broke it in two. Now he had nothing to poke into her nose to get the rock out. She pressed one nostril and blew. The stone flew across the grass and hit John square in the forehead. He laughed at the attempt to keep him restrained. Nothing could stop him now. His goal was in sight and she gasped in dismay. The love of her life disgraced forever. What could she do? He ran his fingers through her hair and realized it was too late to stop her. The deed was done. Forever would they live lives of love lost.

We decided that we had so much fun with that one we had to do another one. It turned out completely warped and rather funny too…

The sun was setting as Randy strode into the yard. He could not believe the luck he had. His bag burst open and twenty frogs escaped. Desperately he tied his donkey to the hitching post and headed for the house. His mind raced as he tried to think of the place where he had stabbed her big toe. The scar blazed white against her skin, marking her as an undesirable. She had now way to hide her deformity. She must never know the truth. Her life and that of their son depended on his ability to walk on lava. He would never succeed in breaking the curse and bringing equality to the land. He shook his head and took her back inside. As they entered the house he thought he heard a distant rifle shot. It might already be too late. Now she had no choice.

Personally, I just like the idea of John being restrained by a nostril flung pebble….

that’s just pure

AWESOMENESS

right there!

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Filed under Humor, Love and Marriage, Writing

The Unexpected Smile

I love that moment when you’re walking along and smile at some unsuspecting person.

You don’t know them.

You just smile because it’s nice.

You try to be happy and hope to make others happy.

And then that surprised smile of being smiled at springs onto their faces.

If it were a cartoon it would

BOING

at the edges.

And your innerds grow warm and you know that if Superman were around he’d be able to see them glowing inside.

There’s just something special about a smile. 

My husband promised to always make me laugh – and smile – he promised that too.

And he does – everyday.

The amazing thing about my husband is that he doesn’t just make me laugh

he strives to make everybody laugh

or at the very least

SMILE!

There is nothing like watching that expected smile BOING onto someone’s face.

Wherever we are he’ll manage to meet the gaze of someone who looks a bit down and his face will explode into an amazing smile and he’ll say, “Hi!” or “Hello!” And they look somewhat startled at the sound of his cheery voice but there is nothing as contagious as a smile and before long they are grinning and saying, “Why, hell0!” or “Oh! Hi!”

He calls every person we meet with a name tag by name – the gal ringing up the grocers, the guy waiting tables.

It’s amazing, the smile that springs on their faces when he calls them by name and grins at them.

He teases – hands them the debit card and then flicks it away a few times before surrendering it and they laugh or smile and he says,

“Made ya laugh” or “made ya smile”.

I laugh and shake my head and love him even more. I think about how long of a day some of those workers have had and some of the rude people they have had to put up with and I love that my husby goes out of his way to put a smile on their faces and give them a bright (and usually silly) spot in the day.

Old, young, adult, child, or teen – Paul can manage to coax a smile out of anybody.

In fact, I overheard someone once say about my husby, “I don’t think I’ve ever seen him NOT smiling” which really made me SMILE!

And I thought of one of my favorite quotes:

“Happiness is like jam. You can’t spread even a little without getting some one yourself.” 

And since I ALWAYS get sticky fingers when it comes to jam, I can relate really well to this (of course it usually because one of my charming children used it and got jam all over the OUTSIDE of the jar – ha ha).

So, the next time it’s been a long wait in the grocery store line,

the person ahead of you had coupon after coupon, half of them didn’t work right, and they had to argue with the person working the register over every single one.

Okay, I’m exagerating, but you’ve all been there – or someplace similar –

and you finally get there and the clerk gives a tightlip smile as they apologize, waiting for you to lash out on incompetance and how long the line was.

Give a smile a try.

You can see them cringing inside (after all, they saw you rolling your eyes at how LONG everything was taking), waiting for the final straw to make today their worst day EVER

and then you

Grin

and

Chuckle

and say,

“Hey, no problem, my mom taught me patience.”

or

“My special super hero power is patience in long lines.”

And the tight-lipped panicked smile relaxes into a full fledged smile that BOINGS on the edges and there go your innerds again, glowing  and blinding superman.

In fact, you feel a little like Superman’s side kick.

Making the world better.

One Smile at a Time!

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Filed under Every Day Life, Humor

A Bushel of Trouble – 100WCGU #58

This week’s prompt is “…as the apple fell…”

Feel free to click the 100WC icon to read other stories or participate.

 

Alice leaned against the side of the weathered stone bridge and peered into the creek. John loved to goad her into a temper. With a sigh, she turned, pulled an apple from her pocket and polished it on her sleeve. Gentle voices from the base of the bridge caught her attention. She looked over the side and spied John and Felicia, their fingers entwined.  Her hands slackened in shock. Time slowed as the apple fell and knocked  John on the head. Alice gasped, and dropped to the ground, pressing her back against the rough stones, but not before she met John’s startled, impish eyes.

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Filed under 100 Word Challenge, Humor, Writing

A Bit about James

Each of our children has had a very distinct personality:

Lizy was the quiet one who had a goofy streak and a temper.

Dot is the social, strong willed, nutty one.

Emily is the sweet bubbly, always smiling one.

Jacob is the class clown goofball type.

Robert is still a little young to know for sure, but he tends to be a little more on the serious side  – though he can giggle with the best of them.

But, James is the ultimate

Ham!

Throw him on a slice of bread with swiss cheese and you could just gobble him up.

He loves making you laugh, and he knows just how to do it.

He was the one who started the underwear ninjas at our house among the boys – he came bounding out of his room with his underwear on his head pearing out one hole. He struck his most serious ninja pose and said:

“I am a ninja.”

And I dissolved into laughter

(at least the underwear was clean).

Jacob soon followed suit and soon both boys were running around as underwear ninjas.

Last spring just before he [finally] potty trained, I changed his pull-up one morning and sent him off to the bathroom before putting a clean one on. As he went, he wiggled his wee little naked bum all the way to the bathroom, singing:

“Shake your booty.”

“Shake your booty.”

I giggled.

A lot!

He has this funny thing with clothes. (though he’s finally starting grow out of it now that he’s in underwear). He will wear all the shirts in his drawer – at once – and

NO PANTS! 

One morning I was talking with a neighbor in the driveway and he came running out with nothing on but a cape and his diaper – oh, and socks on his hand. He zoomed around us a few times as I tried not to be mortified before dissapearing inside the house. My neighbor patted me on the shoulder, laughing, and said,

“It’s ok. He’s a boy.”

He rolls, tumbles, dives, climbs and has the goofiest, cheesiest grin and faces. His please face would put all puppy dogs to shame. And his pirate roar would make everyone tremble.

And he’s my Glue.

I nicknamed him that because he just sticks to me – the ultimate snuggler and in these months since Lizy, I am even more grateful for those snuggles. He’ll scootch right up to me and say

“I am your glue.” 

So, that is James in a nutshell:

my Ham & Cheese sandwich.

All of my kids are amazing and I am so blessed to be their mom. 😀

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Filed under Bobert, Children, Em, Humor, Jacob, James, Lizy