Monthly Archives: August 2012

To a Special Dot, Love Lizy

Lizy loved to write. She’d often write little poems about all sorts of things.

One day, a couple months after Lizy passed away, we were cleaning up the basement and found a folded up piece of paper. “To a Special Dot” was written on the outside.

Dot had been a having a rough day. Missing Lizy and difficulties with siblings, and she was feeling rather down.

A funny look came over her face and she opened up the note.

“To Dot
Even though the sadness rings
It is all so fun to sing
with a loving sister
even with the blisters
The sun will always cheer
the sadness. Can you hear?
Singing through the rafters
is the trio singing sisters.
Love,
Lizy

Cheer up! I will always love you!

I will always love you
In rain or shine
With old or new
with lemon or lime
with love no one is gone
with love you’re happy
I love you, Dorothy. ”

It was like a little message from Lizy sent from Heaven. Dot doesn’t remember ever seeing it before and we thought it must have gotten lost in the couch before she got to read it.

Receiving it when she did, was a miracle. The words carried more impact than Lizy could have ever imagined when she wrote them. Dorothy cried as she read it and marveled that she found it when she most needed a Lizy hug.

And I was so grateful that Heavenly Father blessed her with finding that note when she needed it most. And that Lizy was thoughtful and loving enough to write it in the first place.

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Filed under Child loss, Children, Dot, Lizy, Miracles, Writing

The Faces of My Motivation

I’ve been asked sometimes, how do you do it?

How do you keep going?

Stay positive?

Be strong?

I’m not and I don’t. Not all the time at least. I struggle and I cry.

Sometimes I sob.

But, I can’t let myself do that a lot.

I can’t afford it.

I might have lost one precious and amazing daughter,

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but I have five more children who need me to keep it together.

So, when all else fails. When I’m tempted to give in, hide for a week, or turn into a quivering mess and stick my head in the sand for the rest of the month, week, or even year…

These are the glorious faces that keep me going:

Bobert

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Jamesy

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J-Kabob

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Emmy

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Dot

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They are my joy. I look at these photos and my heart swells and thumps and my eyes tear at the beauty in their face and their joy, even amidst the sorrows (these were taken this summer). It shines through and fills me in the darkest moments.

And of course, nothing would be possible without my amazing Husby.

Paul Wagner

He doesn’t mind if I soak his shirts with tears, or snap in frustration after a bad day. He always makes me smile and laugh. He is my hero.

So, the answer is, I do it for them. I do it for Lizy. We can only be together forever if I keep on keeping on. 🙂
Without them, I think this journey would be impossible.
They are amazing and I love them with ALL my heart.

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Filed under Bobert, Child loss, Children, Dot, Em, Family, Gratitude, Jacob, James, Lizy

I’m Still Here, Just Plugging Along

I’ve noticed lately that time is a strange creature. I really didn’t notice so much of it was racing by as my poor little blog sat neglected. In some ways it feels like the months have stretched on endlessly, and in many other ways it feels like I blinked and somehow managed to get almost half-way through August. Some days feel endless and some weeks I can hardly grasp onto they rush past so fast.

Emotions get strange and jumbled up. Jacob had a cardiology appointment scheduled for the 7th of August. At first I thought I could do it, no problem, be tough. The closer the day got the harder the idea became of being at that hospital on that day. They were really sweet about rescheduling that morning, and I stayed far away from the hospital that day. But, I did visit Lizy.

School is starting soon. A week and a half to go. In someways I’m looking forward to it – being back on a schedule will be nice. In other ways I’m dreading it. It’s been so easy to keep busy this summer – all the kids home, lots of distraction. But soon I’ll be down to just too little boys. We’ll have to create lots of distractions and adventures together.

With school comes my favorite season. The leaves will turn, the temperatures will cool. And the holidays will hit. I’m nervous, dreading it. Wondering how on earth I’ll make it through the rest of the year without her. I know it’s going to be SO hard and I pray a lot for strength to make it through. As much as I would love to skip glibly past the rest of the year we’ll need it more than ever, especially for our amazing kids still with us. I just hope I can make it through.

This summer has been full of happy and sad, but I think more happy. The heart clenching hard moments are still there, but there have been many wonderful moments. Some days it’s hard to remain positive, and I found myself redoubling my efforts many times.

A few people have asked me how I do it.

Sometimes I don’t know.

I pray. I have hope and faith in Christ and I believe that families truly can be together forever. I cry when I have to. Or vent. venting helps a lot. And I allow myself to smile and be happy – sometimes it’s forced – fake it till you make it. Sometimes I have to give myself permission to laugh, or remind myself to. And, I find joy in the miracles that surround me. Even though I miss her terribly I have five beautiful amazing children and an incredible, loving husband. We have been blessed bounteously and I remind myself every day to look at all the beautiful things I have and that are all around me. From them I garner strength to keep going. And I know Lizy is waiting for me, I can’t let her, or anyone else in my family down.

And of course, all you amazing friends and family out there keep me bouyed up by all your prayers. We are so grateful for all the support we have received. So many have done so much and I don’t know if they’ll ever know how much they have touched our lives, but I hope some day they do.

I’ll try to be more consistent in writing. I’ve missed it, but it’s been hard to write lately, and I think this was a needed break. Hopefully soon I’ll get back to my Monday, Wednesday, Friday schedule – maybe, though, for now, I’ll aim for at least once a week and see where it gets me. 😉

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Filed under Child loss, Every Day Life, Heart, Parenting