Finding Peace

I was first asked to give a talk in church a little over a month ago. We were on our vacation in Pennsylvania, all packed in the van just having left the campground when Paul’s cell phone rang. With five kids crammed in a van for long periods of time, things can get rather tumultuous. After numerous reminders and scoldings to the children to quiet down and quit squabbling, I answered.  It was a member of our bishopric asking me to speak in a few weeks time, and the topic would be “Peace in the Home”.  I chuckled as another outburst broke out in our van, and I thought, “I’m sure our home is very peaceful right now.” After all, “there is beauty all around when there’s no one home….” lol.

Then I received the wonderful news that I wouldn’t have to speak because of a change in the schedule do to General Conference. But that relief was short-lived when I received another phone call.

Since receiving the assignment, I can say our home has been anything but peaceful. In fact, it seems to have grown in chaos, and I began to think long and hard about what Peace in the Home is and how we find it.

Is it possible to have peace in your home in the midst of great heart wrenching tragedy? Is it possible to have peace in your home with children who have special needs and seem to enjoy wreaking havoc? Is it possible to have peace in your home when the children fight and squabble? When you feel stressed and stretched to the max? When you wonder how you will make ends meet and live within your means? When you have to tear your house apart and completely dismantle it? When you work yourself to such levels of exhaustion that you laugh at anything and cry over everything? What about in homes where there is marital strife? Or children gone astray? Is there peace in the home and if so, where can it be found?

As I began to ponder on what peace was, I learned what peace wasn’t. It’s not how well-behaved your children are. It’s not how quietly they sit during scriptures or whether or not they call out their siblings’ bad behavior during prayer. It’s not based on the number of fights or the chaos that might surround your home. It’s not a period free from trials or stress – though it would be nice.

What I believe peace in the home is, is the quiet assurance that Heavenly Father sends to your heart in the midst of all the chaos and madness that everything will be all right – some how, some day. It’s terribly easy to miss – it can get lost in the frustration of dealing with squabbling children, or the hecticness of taxi service. It can get lost in the trials that beset and overwhelm, but if we stop and look for it, and search it out in our hearts, we’ll find it, glimmering there beneath the surface, assuring us, that we can get there, we can get through.

The kind of peace that we are searching for, isn’t the kind where all fighting stops – if you have children, you know that’s impossible. It’s not a halt in our troubles and disagreements. We are told in 2Nephi chapter 2 that there must needs be opposition in all things – so we will always have discord and trials – sorrows and heartaches to teach us about true joy.  The peace we can find and achieve in our homes and in our lives is emotional peace – freedom from disquieting or oppressive thoughts or emotions. As we turn to our Heavenly Father and, through the atonement, turn our burdens over to him, we will in turn be given peace.

It will still be hard and at times it can still feel impossible. There are many many times when we question how we can possibly manage to continue on and make it through. Satan besets us with thoughts of unworthiness, discouragement, or worthlessness, but if we fight through the darkness and concentrate on the light of Christ and his atonement, we will be able to fight free of the oppressive darkness and find peace. Sometimes it may feel faint and fragile – it might be hard to grasp onto, but it will be there and if we give it room and nurture it, it will grow.

How do we find peace if we feel like we don’t have peace – honestly, this last week we had quite a bit of chaos going on in our home and I had a hard time finding that peace. I wasn’t sure it was there – I doubted my ability to feel or receive that peace. But as I began to look and see and open my heart I saw it – and as I put my trust more and more in Heavenly father I could feel that peace.

As I pondered this topic I thought of 7 key things to help us have and find peace in our homes:

1. Prayer – we can pray for peace, pray to feel it – regular and consistent family and personal prayers will give us the strength and foundation we need to make it through the daily tribulations and the even bigger trials that beset us. Prayer invites the spirit into our homes, and with it comes peace.

2. Scripture Study – as we have focused on reading the Book of Mormon this year, I feel peace has grown in our home – there are still fights and squabbles, I still get frustrated and have “wits end” kind of days – but in general things are just a touch smoother and peace is easier to find-  if you look for it.  Personal scripture study is just as important – through it  I have received the strength to carry on through trials. I am more spiritually focused, and peace is taught and found.

3. Gratitude – I was feeling particularly overwhelmed at the end of this week. I was feeling rather picked on, honestly and having a hard time finding anything to be positive about. I was exhausted – physically, mentally, spiritually, and emotionally. I went online and started to read an Ensign talk that happened to be about gratitude. Immediately I began to focus on all the blessings we had – the miracles the friends who have helped us time and time again, our family, and the myriad of blessings  that I have in my life. There are so many more blessings than trials. And in that moment I felt the stress begin to melt away and peace enter into my heart. Yes, even if things look rather bleak at the moment, we have so, so much to be grateful for. Gratitude helps us realize all that our loving Heavenly Father has truly done for us and allows the peace he is trying to send us enter into our hearts.

4. Service – losing ourselves in the service of others allows us to forget our woes and troubles for a few moments and not only brings peace into our hearts and families, but in the hearts and families of others. We have been the receivers of wonderful acts of service many times and I can’t not describe the lifting of burdens it has brought us and the beautiful peace that accompanied every meal and act of service. As I have striven to serve others and taught my family to serve others – we have felt the same peace.

5. Love – allowing ourselves to feel Heavenly Father’s love – he truly loves us, he wants to help us and bless us. If we seek out His love we will also find His peace. As we show love in our families – reprimand with kindness and try to take the harshness from our voices love and peace will grow in our homes. As we teach our children and practice our selves to be more loving, kind, understanding, tolerant, long-suffering, and patient, love and peace will grow in our homes. We won’t be perfect at it, but each day we can improve a little.

6. Laughter & Joy – there was a moment when we were stressed to the max and exhausted – everyone could feel it – we pulled out the scriptures to read and it seemed like every little thing began to happen to keep us from reading – kids talking, hanging upside down in the chairs, pulling faces, we were at the table – so dishes being spilled, dogs nudging and licking toes, everyone telling everyone to be quiet, after numerous starts and even more stops the ridiculousness of the situation just hit and both Paul and I started to laugh. The tension snapped as everyone joined in and it spread through the family. Finally we all sat at the table laughing and joy began to replace the tension and stress – and with that joy came peace. Peace that all would be well and that things would work out somehow.  Another day I was impossibly grumpy and frustrated with the children and life in general. Knowing that I can’t dance and be angry at the same time, Paul began spinning me about the kitchen. My dark mood broke and with the joy and laughter came the peace and soon we had boys dancing about (and on our feet). 2 Nephi 2:25 says that Adam fell that men might be, and men are that they might have Joy. We are meant to be a happy people. But happiness isn’t something that happens to us – it’s something we choose.

7. Finally, and most importantly, remember the atonement. If there is anything that can bring peace into our lives and homes it is a knowledge and remembrance of our Savior, Jesus Christ. Elder Richard G. Scott has taught,

“Be certain that every decision you make, whether temporal or spiritual, is conditioned on what the Savior would have you do. When He is the center of your home, there is peace and serenity. There is a spirit of assurance that pervades the home, and it is felt by all who dwell there.”

Jesus Christ is the bringer of Peace. He suffered not only for our sins, but for our every pain, worry, stress, and heartache. When we may feel no one knows or understands, He is always there to comfort and lift. Philippians 4:13 is one of my favorite scriptures “I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.”  He is our strength – through him we can make it through every trial no matter how defeated we feel he is there, waiting to help us. He will pick us up and carry us through the times when our steps falter. I have a testimony of our Savior. I know he Love us. I know He Lives. I know He lives to bless us, to comfort us, to bring us peace. I think often in the hymn “I Know my Redeemer Lives”. In moments when peace feels hard to find – I turn to that hymn and remember the atonement. Not only does the peace then enter my heart, but strength to pick up and keep moving on.

In a conference talk by Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin given in the April 2000 conference he said,

“When you feel tossed by the storms of life and when the waves rise and the winds howl, on those occasions it would be natural for you to cry in your heart, ‘Master, carest thou not that I perish?’ When these times come, think back upon that day when the Savior awakened in the stern of the ship, rose up and rebuked the storm. ‘Peace, be still,’  He said.

“At times we may be tempted to think the Savior is oblivious to our trials. In fact, the reverse is true; it is we who need to be awakened in our hearts to His teachings.

“Use your ingenuity, your strength, your might to resolve your challenges. Do all you can do and then leave the rest to the Lord. President Howard W. Hunter said: ‘If our lives and our faith are centered on Jesus Christ and his restored gospel, nothing can ever go permanently wrong. On the other hand, if our lives are not centered on the Savior and his teachings, no other success can ever be permanently right.’

“In our own storms in life the Savior is our solace and our sanctuary. If we seek peace, we must come unto Him. He Himself spoke this eternal truth when He said, ‘My yoke is easy, and my burden is light.’  When our souls are anchored in the safe harbor of the Savior, we can proclaim as did Paul: “We are troubled on every side, yet not distressed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; cast down, but not destroyed.’”

Over this week and the past year and a half I learned what it means to have peace in a home and it surprised me. I thought the fighting had to stop or that I had to be the “perfect mom”. I thought that peace was something that happened in those little blissful moments when everything is the picture of perfectness – where the kids are playing together happily and the trials seem lesser and it’s like a spiritual sigh runs through the house.  Those are examples of peace – but if that is what we think peace in our homes is, we will seldomly find or obtain it.

I have learned that peace can be found anytime – any where. It’s part of who we are. It’s our conviction in following the savior, living His gospel, and trusting in our Heavenly Father even when things seem impossible and we don’t understand what he is doing with our lives, we only know that it hurts and we cling to faith and pray for the strength to get through.

I know that in those moments when we feel overwhelmed and beaten down by life’s trials we can find peace. We can bring it into our homes. Our Heavenly Father loves us, he truly does. He will grant us all the things we need to succeed in this life and overcome the trials that beset us. Sometimes we might need to quiet ourselves or look past the chaos that surrounds us, but His peace is there waiting to bless us and our homes. I am eternally grateful for a loving Heavenly Father who knows and understand our needs. I am grateful for the peace he sends and for the tools he has given us to have and find peace in our homes.

Tired

I have come to the realization that I am tired. Exhausted. WORN OUT. Mainly emotionally. I started thinking of all the things I am tired of and making a list. These are things people in my situation think about day in and day out. I don’t want to offend or make anyone back off – you’ll notice there are many opposites such as wanting to be left alone, not wanting to be left alone, etc. I don’t know if I will share it – maybe someone else will be able to relate and realize others go through this, etc.

I am tired of….

crying

this empty ache that will never completely go away

of trying to figure out how to answer people when they ask how many kids we have  – she was part of our lives for 12 years, we can’t just pretend we have 5 kids, but then things get awkward when they ask ages and such.

of feeling like being happy is an effort

of reminding myself to smile – it used to come so naturally

of feeling inadaquate to the task at hand of helping my dear sweet children cope with losing a sister

of never knowing when grief will sabotage me and push me to tears

being this person

not being the person I used to be

being the example

being the friend who lost her  daughter

having red eyes

looking tired

hoping someone says her name

people being afraid to say her name or talk about her

conversations becoming awkward when they realize who we are/we have a daughter who died

feeling like everyone else has moved on with their lives and I’m stuck

wishing there was a pause button so I could deal with this nice and tidy before moving on

trying to respond to cliched (though very well meant) comments

craving her laugh, her smile, her hugs

empty arms

having to snuggle with her blanket to feel close to her

sleepless/fitful nights

not being focused

the pitiful looks that come my way

staring into space

not being able to cry when I feel like I am about to burst

family time being so hard sometimes

having to visit a cemetary

needing/wanting to visit the cemetary

going home to 1 less child and 5 who desperately need me to be brave and keep it together

being reminded of my tragedy

being afraid I will somehow forget all the details of her life, her face, her smile, her walk

being afraid that others will forget

of having to write out my thoughts and feelings in order to release

of having to rely on others

being miserable

living moment to moment

trying to keep busy

looking at kids her age and trying not to cry

having to switch stations on the radio

not being able to watch my favorite movies – or crying my way through them

just trying to make it through the day

wanting to sleep until this goes away

being restless

worrying about future events – reminding myself that I need to let my children be children and not over protect them

watching my loved ones suffer

dreading going to bed at night for fear of the morning

dreading waking up in the morning

not having my normal spunk

not wanting to go to places that remind me

feeling sorrow

having to talk about this for a release

my nervous energy

pacing

feeling cut off

crying when I am alone

avoiding human contact

wanting to hide

feeling guilty (most of the time I can shove it aside, but it is still there)

cloudy and rainy days making me sad

the 7th of the month

feeling this

thinking about this knowing this

trying to make my heart understand

my brain understanding this

losing time to this

wanting to be alone

wanting to be around people

not knowing what I want or how I feel

needing support

wanting to talk

feeling lethargic

wanting to talk about it

not wanting to talk about it

nerves

my nervous habits

being the one who will make a difference

having to give myself permission to be happy

holding my sobbing children trying to find the right words

not being able to find the right words

of being brave

of being an inspiration

replaying events in my mind

not knowing how to help my children/husband

defending my grief – as in it’s normal, not a lack of faith, I’m not self pitying, I just miss her,  etc.

feeling scatterbrained and disorganized

forgetting things

 
of being tired

Now, with all that being said – the crazy thoughts in my head. Those are just things I’m tired of – I don’t feel them all, all the time, they change faster than the Cincinnati weather and my 12-and-a-half-year-old daughter’s moods. I like to think I’m managing to hold my fraying ends together, but  if I seem a little spacey the above might be why. If you have a loved one or friend going through a loss, be patient with them, we appreciate it. 🙂

Lastly, even with this being so incredibly hard, I think often on Joseph Smith and what Heavenly Father told him as he struggled – and he faced things far beyond any that my family has:

“And if thou shouldst be cast into the pit, or into the hands of murderers, and the sentence of death passed upon thee; if thou be cast into the deep; if the billowing surge conspire against thee; if fierce winds become thine enemy; if the heavens gather blackness, and all the elements combine to hedge up the way; and above all, if the very jaws of hell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good.”  (Doctrine & Covenants 122:7)

That’s why we’re here. No matter how hard. We’re here for the experiences. To learn and to grow. To be stretched. To learn to have faith even when we feel faithless or can’t understand why things have to happen the way they do. All these experiences can be for our good if we let them.

And though at times I wonder how on earth I can possibly survive this, how I can muddle my way through with my family intact, I know that we are here for this purpose. We can let this build us and make us stronger. Sometimes it can be hard to see how any of this is for our good, but so much good has come about in  the months after, Lizy has made such a wonderful difference in the lives of others both in life and in death.  No matter how it hurts, there is good in it somewhere and we’ll be together again for all of eternity.

I know Heavenly Father loves me and gives me the strength I need to get through all the tired.

Now……

time to go do all those things I’m tired of! 🙂

Thoughts

It’s been a while since I’ve sat down and written. I try to keep my posts upbeat, or at the very least positive in nature and it’s been rather hard the past few weeks. I have found myself missing my Lizy so much that sometimes it’s excruciating and I have to remember to breathe. But, while I miss her, I also find and have joy in my five wonderful, living children and my most amazing husband.

To say life these last two months has been a roller coaster ride is a bit of an understatement. Paul is starting a new job – it’s wonderful, an answer to prayers. He will have better hours, better pay, more vacation, more holidays, better benefits. Such a blessing, and the change will be a good thing, especially for him, helping him to take another step to “moving on”.

I have a new calling at church – I am the Young Women’s president (that means I work with the 12-18 year-old girls at church- planning activities, etc.). While I am a bit overwhelmed, and feel completely inadequate, I love these girls. I can’t help but think, while Heavenly Father had to bring my Lizy home to him, he gave me eleven beautiful young women to watch over in her place. I will be busy, and busy is good.

Lastly, my father, who has been battling brain cancer, passed away this past Friday. I will miss him, I already have been missing him these past few months, but I know he is with Lizy and so many more family members. I smile as I picture the joyous return and reunion he must have had. I am grateful he didn’t suffer longer than he had to. I am grateful family has been able to be there to help him and my mother through this time. And I am so grateful to be going to Oregon for his funeral. It will be the first time in 13 years (do to geographical locations) that all of kids will be together.

It’s hard to describe how I feel about things. So much has been happening, life altering things and I go from being happy one minute to in tears the next. But one thing I do know, and that is that we have a loving Heavenly Father who is aware of what we are going through and showers us with tender loving mercies. I saw a saying recently that I have come to love:

“Sometimes God calms the storm…sometimes God lets the storm rage and calms His child.”

I feel at peace. I feel His love. I know families are eternal and that while the years ahead will be hard without Lizy and my Father, I know I’ll be with them again at length. Some might say life is unfair. That too much has hit our family. I say life isn’t about fair or unfair. It’s a series of challenges that will help us to learn what we need to know and to develop the strength we need to prepare us for the next stage of our eternal existence. Each of us is different, and our challenges and tests are different. Only He knows what we need to reach our full potential. I think often of this quote by C.S. Lewis:

“Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on; you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make any sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of – throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were being made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace.”

The challenges we are given are uniquely fit for us, and just because ours may be more visible than others, they are no more important than the many trials and challenges faced by others. Heavenly Father will give us all the strength we need to overcome our personal challenges in life, no matter how unbearable they feel. We can learn from them and find beautiful things admist the thorns. Each of us has the potential to become that beautiful palace if we let the Master do His work.

And, even in the dark hours, there are many beautiful things. Today is Paul’s and my anniversary. We have had fourteen wonderful, marvelous years together and look forward to so many more. Paul is my rock, my strength. When I flounder and feel weak, I can lean on him. He loves unconditionally, and is a marvelous father to our amazing children. I love him with all my heart and admire all that he is.

Even in the hard dark moments, I am surrounded by many beautiful things –

namely my family.
I am SO blessed.
Every hour.
Every day.

My One Real Regret

If I have one regret so far in life, it’s that my journal keeping skills have been rather haphazard.

Oh, I have some in books, some on the computer, some blog post, some facebook statuses (actually, i should find a way to gather all those up – I think that would be my most comprehensive journaling to date – so sad), but nothing like I wish I had now.

I suppose, with all the things I had to do in life, writing in my journal seemed less important. Now, praying, and scripture reading, and child rearing received top billing, and rightly so. But journaling was cast by the way-side. If I was going to take the time to write, then it was going to be on my books, etc. There were so many other things to do that were so much more important than keeping a consistent journal.

I was wrong.

So very, very, wrong.

I would give anything now to have a record of Lizy’s life and my memories of her. The few I have, I cling to, afraid the memories will slip gradually from my fingers leaving me with nothing more than a gaping hole in my heart. I devour every word I have written about her, conjuring up the images of her through the years. And how I wish I had written more. SO much, much more.

Since I wasn’t big on journaling, I didn’t push it either. Oh, I gave them journals, but I only encouraged them a little, and now, I wish I had made it a bigger deal. The first thing I did was scour her room looking for anything in her own hand expressing her thoughts and feelings so I could feel close to her. I found some, but I wished for more.

It does little to lament the past. I can’t change it. I can’t make words magically appear on paper from years past, but I can learn from it and change the future.

I am going to be a devoted journal keeper. I won’t let the days slip past without writing about the wonders of the days, my feelings, the amazingness of my children.

My father has brain cancer. I think I mentioned that before. They suspect he has less than a month left and the one thing I am so grateful for is that I have a record of his life, his experiences, his adventures. Robert won’t ever meet his grandpa in person (just over skype) but he can still know him because he has faithfully kept a journal.

I want my kids, grandkids, great-grandkids to know me. I hope I never have another experience like Lizy, but I don’t want to take a chance. I want a record of their amazing lives and experiences – both from me and from them. I yearn and crave Lizy’s words and memories. I want to wrap myself in them. I miss her so very much. I am grateful I have what I have, but so disapointed I didn’t write down more.

I know I can write now, and I will, but it’s not quite the same – remembering rather than being in the moment, but it will still be something.

President Spencer W. Kimball said, “I promise you that if you will keep your journals and records, they will indeed be a source of great inspiration to your families, to your children, your grandchildren, and others, on through the generations. Each of us is important to those who are near and dear to us and as our posterity read of our life’s experiences, they, too, will come to know and love us. And in that glorious day when our families are together in the eternities, we will already be acquainted.”

Please, if you are inclined, learn from my mistakes. Tragedy can come when least expected. I would hope that it evades you completely, but don’t take the chance. Keep a journal. Write down everything you can about you, about your children, you family, your experiences, your adventures. I promise it will be a comfort to you if tragedy strikes and it will touch the lives of those who will read it in the future.

Something I am Learning

“It is not enough simply to survive tragedy, trials are in vain if we gain no meaning from them, no healing, and no increase in sensitivity to the daily gifts of God’s grace.” – Elaine Shaw Sorensen

Chrysalis
Knowing without seeing,
Feeling without saying,
He perceives my meditations
And fathoms the fire of my soul.
Acquiescence of my foibles
He makes no essay to alter my character
Resulting in mere mutations of a former being.
Abiding in his passion
I metamorphose,
A sweeping transformation
To a superior self never realized.

I said yes, instead of no, and that has made all the difference

So many times as parents we tell our children no when they want to do things with us.

We’re too tired.

We’re too busy.

We don’t feel like it.

We’d rather get the cleaning done, or maybe we just slipped into that delicious book we started a week ago and have been waiting to find out what happens next.

I know I’ve been guilty of it far too often, but there was one week where I didn’t say no. It was Spring Break.

On Sunday the kids wanted to lay outside while Dad grilled dinner. I said yes and read “Harry Potter” to them on the grass.

On Monday the kids wanted to use our newly created fire pit. It wasn’t really finished, but I asked Dad and he said Yes (even though he wanted to finish it first) and we had our first hotdog roast in the backyard and read scriptures and ghost stories around the fire. It is an AWESOME memory.

On Tuesday I had planned to take the kids hiking, but the morning was slow and things weren’t going the best and I almost changed me mind. It took them hiking, even though I wanted to just stay home and we had an amazing time. I was blessed with a special experience and some wonderful fun memories.

On Wednesday Lizy asked if I could take her shopping. She’d earned some money babysitting and needed some new shoes. I wasn’t really in the mood to go. The house was a wreck after our hike the day before, and there was SO much that needed to be done. But, despite all that, I said yes. We had the BEST time. We laughed and joked and she found some adorable pink flip flops with a big pink flower on each one and a pair of new tennis shoes. She even had enough to get the CD she wanted – Ocean Eyes by Owl City and we had fun listening to the fireflies song.

That night when Em went to a friend’s house, she and Dot wanted to sleep in the basement. I said yes, and I didn’t even complain when they stayed up to 12:20 – I’m so glad I didn’t send them to bed early. I’m so glad they had that time together.

On Thursday morning the kids cut pictures out of old magazines and then the accident happened.

I am so grateful I said yes.

I am so grateful I said yes, when I wanted to say no.

I am so grateful that instead of a week of regrets, I have a week of wonderful memories.

I am SO grateful that I had that last mother/daughter date with my little Lizy.

Life is so precious. Hobbies and cleaning can wait to a degree. I know we need to say no once in a while, but we need to say yes more often. We never know when our yes, might be the last yes we can say.

Enjoy your children. Put down the broom, the computer, the washcloth, the book, the amazing project your doing, and go play with them now. They’ll never forget the time you spend with them, and beleive me…..

neither will you.

Easing the Ache

I just got back yesterday morning from my trip to Oregon.

They say you can never go home…

but sometimes you can.

It was odd being there without my family, but SO good seeing old friends and spending time with my parents.

I don’t know what I expected upon seeing my father.

I knew things would be different.

And they were.

He wouldn’t be the same strong man with confidence in his step.

But, no matter how he changes physically. The love and light forever remains in his eyes.

His testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ remains firm and steadfast and he is sure in his love for Heavenly Father as well as Heavenly Father’s love for him.

He still has a smile on his face.

My mother is a pillar of strength and goodness. Smiling her way through with faith that whatever happens it will be God’s will and for the best.

I am SO blessed to have such parents. Parents who have taught me and shown me the way to true happiness. Not the kind that you attempt to buy or find through praises and accomplishments. The happiness of knowing you stand for your beliefs and that true joy comes in giving of yourself to others.

We may struggle to make ends meet, but I am RICH. I have so much.

My Dad is and always will be one of my heroes. He is an amazing man.

He started Chemo yesterday, yes he does have brain cancer.

I also have a friend, a very close dear friend, who found out (at about the same time as my Dad) that she has breast cancer. She starts chemo today. My heart aches for her and her family.

I cry sometimes when I think of them and how far away I am. Helpless to do much but pray.  Mostly though, I am happy.  Happy for the life Dad has lived and the lessons he has bestowed upon all of us. Happy for the memories my friend and I have created and will continue to create. They both have taught me so much and my life is richer knowing them.

I have hope, a lot of hope. There have already been so many miracles in all of this. And I know that some of the hardest words we’ll ever say is “Thy will be done.” And not just the saying of it, but truly meaning and feeling the words as well.

I believe we become stronger in our challenges if we let them bring us closer together and to our Heavenly Father. I know prayers make a difference. I know they are heard and answered. God doesn’t keep the hard or bad things from happening, but he gives us strength to make it through and peace.

This year, I Resolve to….. BLECH!!!!

New Year Resolutions.

That phrase makes me groan.

It brings to mind things like

“This year I am going to pray EVERY day”

or

“This year I am going to read the scriptures EVERY day”

or

“I am going to loose ALL the weight I gained over six pregnancies”

or even

“This year, I WILL be published.” (which, not to offend those who set this goal, is rather silly since we can’t control who says yes to our manuscript – though we can definitely try to get there.)

Some time ago I gave up on resolutions. It seemed that the goals made on New Years were doomed to fail or to make us feel guilty for our many flaws.

So, I  avoided them altogether.

But, aren’t we encouraged to set goals, to reach for new heights, to better ourselves?

The answer of course, is

YES!!!

So, this year I thought a bit about these resolutions and I had an epiphany.

Setting goals that require perfection are ridiculous.  If I’m not in a habit of reading and praying every day (or just really forgetful and distract easily), I can’t expect to be (or suddenly remember everything), simply by setting a goal.  (some people may be able to do that, but I sure can’t)  Setting goals that are beyond our control, or far too lofty, fall into the ridiculous category as well. Besides, making resolutions we are bound to fail makes us feel lousy.

So, I thought about what I wanted to accomplish this year and my difficulties in getting there.  Ultimately I would love to be 100 %  in reading my scriptures and praying every day.

But, I’m human.

which means, I forget. I get SO busy that I just plain forget.

Even if I set a goal to do it EVERY day, I know I’ll still forget, inevitably, some day in the year I’ll be SO busy it will slip my mind. And then

BAM

Resolution

FAILED

What I decided to do instead, is to set a small goal – with wiggle room even – that doesn’t require perfection, but will serve as a constant reminder to do the other things.

My resolution this year is to:

read the Ensign every month, cover to cover.

It’s just a magazine. Not hard to read. But the articles are such that will remind me to read and to pray. So, by working on my very reachable resolution, I will come closer to the other, loftier, resolutions. And maybe, some day I will be 100%.

Some of other resolutions to the above cases could be: send out 5 query letters (resolution met – go send out some more)or loose five pounds (and if you loose more, then AWESOME! but at least you met your resolution).

And you argue, but all the quotes say:

“Failure is the road to success” or “if you don’t set lofty goals you won’t attain them”

this is true, but I dare to argue:

You can also set yourself up for failure!

and if you do that

Discouragement can and does set in.

Yes, set your lofty goals

but give yourselves stepping stones to get there!

And don’t expect it to happen in a year

or five

or even ten.

Just keep stepping along those stones and pretty soon, before you realize it, you’ll have reached

the top of the mountain.

I believe it is the little things along the way, the short goals we make and achieve as we strive for the lofty ones, that create character and turn the weak into the mighty.

So, this year I am changing my stance on resolutions and….

I resolve to be a better person at the end of the year than I was at the beginning. I’m going to read my Ensign every month, and have a candle light dinner once a week with my husband, and enjoy all the little goals (like sending out queries) I set and achieve along the way.

Acceptance

I’ve been thinking about acceptance today. Not so much acceptance of trials and such in our lives but of people.  Perhaps it’s because as my girls get older they struggle more with acceptance in school. Or perhaps it comes from knowledge of many different kinds.

Everyone desires and needs acceptance. Especially acceptance from friends and family.

I think back on my own experiences. I always had a loving and accepting family. I was lucky.  It was a little harder with friends. Many friends ceased to accept me as a friend because they didn’t accept my beliefs. It always frustrated me. I asked a friend once, “Why can’t you accept me as a friend even if you don’t accept what I believe?”

She looked surprised.

I continued. “Can’t we agree to disagree and leave it at that? Go on being friends?”

She thought about it for a moment and conceded.

We all make mistakes.

We all make different choices in life.

I may not agree with your choices.

You may not agree with my choices.

Does that mean we have to cease to accept one another?

We need friends. We need support. We want people to accept us, foibles and all. Should we not then, be willing to accept others despite choices and beliefs?

I had the opportunity to experience an awesome event a few weeks ago. Our youth group leaders received a call from another religious denomination. They were learning about other religions and wondered if they could bring their youth group to one of our youth activities. A date was agreed upon. We gave them a tour of our building and then, through the 13 Articles of Faith, explained our beliefs.

No one argued, yelled or fought. In fact, their pastor went out of his way to point out the similarities in our beliefs. I could see that he and others clearly did not agree on a few points. But they weren’t rude. They didn’t get up and walk away. They accepted us. They accepted that even though our beliefs and choices might be a little different we could still be kind and loving towards each other.

Dot came up to me the other day and asked, “Mom, why is it that most of my friends have challenges?”

“What do you mean?” I replied.

“Well, my best friend in Oregon had Autism, and one of my good friends here speaks a little funny, and the other friend has some learning disabilities.”

“Does it bother you?”

“Of course not!” She exclaimed, indignant that I should suggest such a thing. “They are awesome people.”

“And that,” I said, “is why. You see beyond their challenges to the people they truly are. ”

I count myself fortunate to have children who are willing to accept and love even when it’s not the popular choice, and I hope I always do the same.

It can take a great deal of courage to ask for and give acceptance.  I hope my children, friends, and family will always know that despite choices and such, I will always love and accept them.

No matter what.

And maybe, if I can do that, I will be able to make a small difference in the world and in someone else’s life for good.

Thoughts

To those who commented before I removed my last post: Thank you. Things are far from resolved – and I still have no clue, but things will work out – they always do. 🙂 There are many times I think as a mom we feel at our wits ends and that there can’t possibly be any solution in sight – but the key, as a dear friend reminded me, is patience. (Unfortunately patience is often found by having it tried, heh 🙂 ) I also remind myself to sing a little song that has become rather prevalent in our household as we help each other maintain a more positive attitude in general… “Always look on the bright side of life – dee do dee do dee do dee do dee do…” Anyway a good vent, a small burst of tears, and few prayers have great cleansing effect and give us a fresh start to tackle the troubles in life.

***
On an interesting note – back in March around Jacob’s 3rd birthday we took a trip to the zoo – in which we got rained on – A LOT – but it was fun anyway. We originally had not planned on going to the zoo. A trip to OMSI (Oregon Museum of Science and Industry) had been planned. We looked high and low for our pass before we left – EVERYWHERE. No matter where we looked or what we did we could not find our pass. We prayed and searched some more – still nothing. In the processes I grabbed our zoo passes which had just recently arrived in the mail. Then we had the odd feeling that for some reason – who knows why – we should not go to OMSI. It was raining and we held the zoo pass in our hands. We had promised the kids an outing, and it wasn’t going to be OMSI. So, off to the zoo we went.

Today my husband called. “How many times did you and I empty my wallet on that day when we went to the zoo rather than OMSI?”

“At least 4 times, if not more,” I replied. “Why?”

“I found our pass to OMSI – it was in the front pocket.”

Apparantly the pass had stuck to the dental insurance card.

Unfortunate? Maybe, we did get rather wet. I believe things often happen for reasons, and sometimes we never know what the reason may be, but I do know that once again, Paul and I felt that we weren’t supposed to go to OMSI that day.

But, we are very glad that the pass has come out of hiding. 🙂

***
One last thought – where exactly do all the socks go after the laundry is done???