Tired

I have come to the realization that I am tired. Exhausted. WORN OUT. Mainly emotionally. I started thinking of all the things I am tired of and making a list. These are things people in my situation think about day in and day out. I don’t want to offend or make anyone back off – you’ll notice there are many opposites such as wanting to be left alone, not wanting to be left alone, etc. I don’t know if I will share it – maybe someone else will be able to relate and realize others go through this, etc.

I am tired of….

crying

this empty ache that will never completely go away

of trying to figure out how to answer people when they ask how many kids we have  – she was part of our lives for 12 years, we can’t just pretend we have 5 kids, but then things get awkward when they ask ages and such.

of feeling like being happy is an effort

of reminding myself to smile – it used to come so naturally

of feeling inadaquate to the task at hand of helping my dear sweet children cope with losing a sister

of never knowing when grief will sabotage me and push me to tears

being this person

not being the person I used to be

being the example

being the friend who lost her  daughter

having red eyes

looking tired

hoping someone says her name

people being afraid to say her name or talk about her

conversations becoming awkward when they realize who we are/we have a daughter who died

feeling like everyone else has moved on with their lives and I’m stuck

wishing there was a pause button so I could deal with this nice and tidy before moving on

trying to respond to cliched (though very well meant) comments

craving her laugh, her smile, her hugs

empty arms

having to snuggle with her blanket to feel close to her

sleepless/fitful nights

not being focused

the pitiful looks that come my way

staring into space

not being able to cry when I feel like I am about to burst

family time being so hard sometimes

having to visit a cemetary

needing/wanting to visit the cemetary

going home to 1 less child and 5 who desperately need me to be brave and keep it together

being reminded of my tragedy

being afraid I will somehow forget all the details of her life, her face, her smile, her walk

being afraid that others will forget

of having to write out my thoughts and feelings in order to release

of having to rely on others

being miserable

living moment to moment

trying to keep busy

looking at kids her age and trying not to cry

having to switch stations on the radio

not being able to watch my favorite movies – or crying my way through them

just trying to make it through the day

wanting to sleep until this goes away

being restless

worrying about future events – reminding myself that I need to let my children be children and not over protect them

watching my loved ones suffer

dreading going to bed at night for fear of the morning

dreading waking up in the morning

not having my normal spunk

not wanting to go to places that remind me

feeling sorrow

having to talk about this for a release

my nervous energy

pacing

feeling cut off

crying when I am alone

avoiding human contact

wanting to hide

feeling guilty (most of the time I can shove it aside, but it is still there)

cloudy and rainy days making me sad

the 7th of the month

feeling this

thinking about this knowing this

trying to make my heart understand

my brain understanding this

losing time to this

wanting to be alone

wanting to be around people

not knowing what I want or how I feel

needing support

wanting to talk

feeling lethargic

wanting to talk about it

not wanting to talk about it

nerves

my nervous habits

being the one who will make a difference

having to give myself permission to be happy

holding my sobbing children trying to find the right words

not being able to find the right words

of being brave

of being an inspiration

replaying events in my mind

not knowing how to help my children/husband

defending my grief – as in it’s normal, not a lack of faith, I’m not self pitying, I just miss her,  etc.

feeling scatterbrained and disorganized

forgetting things

 
of being tired

Now, with all that being said – the crazy thoughts in my head. Those are just things I’m tired of – I don’t feel them all, all the time, they change faster than the Cincinnati weather and my 12-and-a-half-year-old daughter’s moods. I like to think I’m managing to hold my fraying ends together, but  if I seem a little spacey the above might be why. If you have a loved one or friend going through a loss, be patient with them, we appreciate it. 🙂

Lastly, even with this being so incredibly hard, I think often on Joseph Smith and what Heavenly Father told him as he struggled – and he faced things far beyond any that my family has:

“And if thou shouldst be cast into the pit, or into the hands of murderers, and the sentence of death passed upon thee; if thou be cast into the deep; if the billowing surge conspire against thee; if fierce winds become thine enemy; if the heavens gather blackness, and all the elements combine to hedge up the way; and above all, if the very jaws of hell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good.”  (Doctrine & Covenants 122:7)

That’s why we’re here. No matter how hard. We’re here for the experiences. To learn and to grow. To be stretched. To learn to have faith even when we feel faithless or can’t understand why things have to happen the way they do. All these experiences can be for our good if we let them.

And though at times I wonder how on earth I can possibly survive this, how I can muddle my way through with my family intact, I know that we are here for this purpose. We can let this build us and make us stronger. Sometimes it can be hard to see how any of this is for our good, but so much good has come about in  the months after, Lizy has made such a wonderful difference in the lives of others both in life and in death.  No matter how it hurts, there is good in it somewhere and we’ll be together again for all of eternity.

I know Heavenly Father loves me and gives me the strength I need to get through all the tired.

Now……

time to go do all those things I’m tired of! 🙂

Deliciousness (ie: home made pizza)

I love pizza!

REALLY!!

LOTS!!!

When I was at my brother’s house for Thanksgiving they made pizza.

Delicious, awesome crust, could have come from a restaurant, pizza.

And I HAD to know how they did it!

Pizza stone was the answer – but pizza stones are expensive and break – & then cost a fortune to replace. So, they had learned online that they could make their own pizza stone. They told me how and I’ve been having AMAZING home made pizza ever since.

What you need is:

unglazed quarry tile – 1/2 thick at least. The unglazed part is the most important.  I could only find 6×6 tiles (my brother somehow found some 8×8 tiles – they don’t sell those in my area). I had to do a bunch of calling and finally found them at Manards. They cost about 50 cents a piece. So, $3 later I had enough tiles to fit in my oven and bake on. – 2 rows of 3 is what usually works when using 6×6 tiles. (I actually bought 10 so I’d have replacements if some broke).

When you get your tiles home rinse them of and let them dry thoroughly before using. If there is still moisture on them, they’ll break. About an hour before you want to make pizza, put them in your oven on the wire rack – I like having my rack either in the center or one step down towards the bottom. Set your oven as hot as it will go – usually between 500 – 550 for conventional ovens. It will take about 30 minutes to preheat and then you want it to heat for another 20 -30 minutes so those stones get good and hot.

Now, you can’t have good pizza without a good crust recipe – and I searched around a bit looking for one I liked. I found one, but the crust was too thin (I like thick crusts), so I doubled it and tweaked it slightly & it made the yummiest crust! So, here’s the recipe (if you want a thinner crust, half it)

Makes 4 10-12 inch pieces (or bigger/more if you want thinner)

10 C flour (I prefer Bread flour)

3 Tbs Sugar

4 tsp salt

2 1/2 tsp instant yeast

5 Tbs olive oil

4 cups water (may need to add a bit more – I think I did, but I don’t remember how much)

Combine all the ingredients in a large mixing bowl (or mixer – mixer is way easier) and stir vigorously . After all the ingredients are combined, let the dough rest for 5 minutes. Mix again adding flour or water if needed. You want your pizza dough to be a little wetter and stickier than your typical bread dough. It should be dry enough it holds together and pulls away from the side of the bowl when you mix it, but it doesn’t need to be dry enough to knead by hand.

Divide the dough into 4 pieces and place each one into an oiled freezer bag. (I use olive oil to oil the bags – I put it on my hands and then rub the inside of the bag – that way the dough won’t stick to my hands either.

At this point, if you aren’t going to use all the dough today you can throw a couple of them into the freezer – they’ll be good for at least  a month and the evening before you use them, put the dough balls in the refrigerator to thaw.

The best thing for a tasty pizza crust is a slow rise – so I make my dough early in the day and let it rise for a few hours in the fridge. It’s fine though if you are short on time and can only let it rise an hour on the counter. From what I read online, flavor improves with longer slower rises at reduced temperature. The first time I made the crust I didn’t have time to let it rise long and did a counter rise – it tasted great – but the second time I did it, I did the long rise and it was SO much yummier!

So, now you made your dough and it’s rising! Yay! When your ready, just roll it out to the size and shape you need/want. I like flinging mine in the air and pretending like I know what I’m doing. So far it’s fallen on the floor, counter, my face…. but the kids think it’s funny (and fun)

So, the next awesome thing you need is a great pizza sauce.

I thought I could take some sauce and paste and throw seasonings in it and it’d be great. I was wrong – I could never get it right, so I searched the internet and found this gem for the Ultimate Pizza sauce on food.com. It take a little effort – but it is SO worth it. I’m changing it here to fit your 4 pizzas – if you have left over it’s good in the fridge for about a week, or you can freeze it.

4 Tbs olive oil

2 Tbs butter

1 C finely chopped onion

1/2 C finely chopped celery

2 garlic cloves minced (or if you’re like me and always forget to buy garlic cloves – garlic powder works too – use 1 tsp)

2 cans (8 oz) tomato sauce

2 cans (6 oz) tomato paste

4 Tbs grated parmesan cheese

2 tsp dried basil

2 tsp dried oregano

1 tsp salt

1 tsp sugar

1/2 tsp black pepper

2 small bay leaves

2 tsp fennel seeds (fennel seeds are the MOST IMPORTANT part of any pizza sauce – really – it’s the difference between good and WOWZA!!!)

In a skillet, melt but with oil and sautee the onion, garlic, & celery until soft and transparent – some of you will be worried it will make the sauce to chunkly, it won’t as long as you dice it small and cook it well – the flavor it adds is wonderful.  Add the tomato sauce & tomato paste and stir until smooth. Add all the rest of the ingredients and simmer. You can simmer for 30-60 minutes for full flavor, or you can use sooner if you’re short on time. Take out the bay leaves and spread the sauce on your prepared dough. (you do not need to cook your crust ahead of time). It makes a nice thick sauce and it’s REALLY yummy.

Then, top your pizza with whatever you want.

A couple more tips:

You’ll want a pizza peel – wood or metal (I have wood, my brother has metal).

spread cornmeal liberally on your pizza peel before you put the crust on it – this will help the pizza to slide off after you have it assembled.

Bake you pizzas directly on the stones (the stones, 0r tiles, absorbed the moisture and give the awesome crisper crust on the bottom).

For thinner crust pizzas we bake at 550 for about 7 minutes – for thicker crust pizzas we bake at 550 for about 8 minutes.

When you pull them from the oven, let them cool for a couple minutes on a wire wrack to keep the bottoms from turning soggy.

It’s not really as much work as it sounds like & it’s well worth it for pizzas that taste as good as the restaurant kind at a fraction of the cost. 🙂

Here are a couple of pictures from our last pizza night (New Year’s Eve)

Feel free to ask me questions –

I’m not an expert, but I might be able to make up an answer that sounds convincing! 😀